Not just good enough ...

SO it's been a while since I've posted on here. Life gets in the way. I've started a wonderful new career that takes up so much of my time, my middle son has been through hell and back with his development, and we're finally moving forward with that, my eldest spent two weeks in hospital with pneumonia and then pleurisy, and my youngest - well, he's too and he's making my life hell! But I love them all, I love my new career and I'm learning to love life.

That's such a weird thing to say, love life. But some days it's frigging hard to love the life you have. Sometimes life sucks. Like the day a week ago when I realised that it had been seven years since one of my best friends from high school was killed in a horrific car accident when the douche bag on the highway opposite her was on the phone and ran through three lanes of traffic to end her amazing life, which was just beginning. I think of her everyday, and it does make you look at your life more closely.

Other times life is awesome and it's easy to follow the 'love life' slogan. I like those days :) I had one of them today. It was so simple. It was a sleep in (yup, I consider 7am a sleep in, thanks hubby xo), a day doing the grocery shopping with Mr B who stopped in the middle of Coles to tug on my hand, pull me down to his eye height and say, "I love you to the moon and back, Mumma." I hugged him so hard, and we stayed like that for about five minutes. I wasn't ever going to pull back from something like that! Then we went to the park as a family, and my eldest learned how to ride his bike without training wheels - a massive accomplishment when you realise that the last time he tried to do this, he broke his arm.

So I'm getting them ready for the bath, and cleaning the bathroom at the same time (cos that's how mums roll) and I'm thinking about my new job. I'm on contract which expires on the 13th December. It's honestly my dream job. And the idea that I might not get to continue on that career trajectory fills my heart with dread. What makes it hard is that my director tells me frequently, "you're doing such a great job, you're such a find, we really want to keep you but it depends on money."

I always shrug that comment off. I mean, who is able to graciously accept a compliment like that without sounding like you're totally up yourself!

And then I got to thinking. I've been so fortunate in my career. I got a great OP score which allowed me to study nursing. I got a great grad job doing what I thought I would do for the rest of my life - but it turns out it wasn't. I worked in a great job for 10 years before following my heart and doing a degree in teaching. And then my first year out, I get a wonderful job in a community Kindy doing a job I adore.

I always thought I was just lucky to get all of these jobs. I would always get comments like, "we're so happy to have you, you really relate well to the patients, the parents love you, you lead the ward well", etc. etc. And I would always shrug them off, God forbid I actually agree with them.

But tonight, something I realised was this:

Maybe they are telling the truth.

If that's true, then why do I shrug it off? Why am I not able to see what others see in me? Why is it that I hide from things that make me special? Why am I so reluctant to admit that yes, you know what, I actually do a good job. I do actually care about these children. I do actually want to help them to get ready for school. I do actually care about their outcomes. I do actually know what I'm talking about. 

So this is my new challenge: acceptance.

I will accept that people see things in myself that I don't see ... yet. I will make it my goal to listen to those people honestly and openly, and try to see those things that they see - and be proud of them. I will begin to understand that yes, I AM good enough. I AM ENOUGH.

How's that?

Day One

So, it's the first day of Round1, 2013. BRING IT ON.

So far - I'v eaten breakfast (yay, this is a BIG thing for me, I HATE breakfast food)> I had really yummy low fat vanilla yoghurt with a delicious home made paleo granola. Yummo!

I dropped my eldest at school - and then headed straight to the gym. I got there heaps early, and was going to wait around until the 9:30 class started. This was my excuse to avoid the interval sprints that are on the L&F program for Day one. Then the creche director said, "What are you waiting for? Get out there and do it." So I did.

I ran for 15 minutes as a warm up. I did 15 minutes on the rower (OH MY GOD I AM DYING ALREADY). I did 15 minutes interval sprints. Did I follow the plan - yes about 85%. The speeds on the interval sprints were simply too much for me - but I tried my hardest and that's ok. I did the best I could - and L&S is certainly a challenge for me this round. I'm gonna do my best, not give up, and smash my fitness goals.

I went to the finale over the weekend. I was so inspired by the amazing women there - the men and women who won transformation prizes, inspirational models, etc. But most of all it was those of us who hide in the background, who plod along and don't boast about our achievements, who secretly wish we had enough self confidence to put ourselves out there - YOU INSPIRE ME THE MOST. Because the hardest part of the struggle to become healthy is making the commitment to yourself. And you've done that. And so have I.

My beautiful friend just posted this:
"My parents used to have this old queenslander and it was nothing fancy. But it's stumps were rotting out. They had to restump the whole house for it to be standing again. And that's kind of how I've seen this journey. You could pretty up the house itself but if you didn't replace the stumps it would eventually collapse no matter what it looked liKE. I always knew that was the secret was changing who I was on the inside I just didn't know how and one day it just all clicked and I got it."

YES!!!!

Has it just clicked for me? I truly think so. Because as much as I want the outside of me to be 'beautiful' (according to whom? I don't know ...), I truly want to feel beautiful on the inside and be TRULY AT PEACE with myself. So that means treating my body like a temple, because it does amazing things, it really does. 

So to those Easter Eggs sitting in the cupboard - enjoy that cupboard, cos you're not coming out until the Easter Bunny visits my kids. To the two vodka cruisers sitting in the fridge - meh. To the delicious healthy food sitting in my fridge - welcome. To my children - your mum is back, baby!

 

Where do I belong?

I've signed up for the next round of 12WBT. I'm kicking my bad habits, my old emotional fallbacks and my self sabotage to the curb. I am getting to my goal weight, or if not, I'll be so frigging close I can smell it. So there.

I did my fitness test today. Confession time - it's the first time I've ever really done it. Yeah, I've done the time trials before. But I NEVER did the wall sit. I did the sit ups ... but I NEVER did the push ups. I did the flexibility - because I knew I'd get a good result on that one. So today - no excuses. I planked in the middle of the gym for 64 seconds. Technically that puts me in the advanced range for the program, along with my results for the pushups and the flexibility. My 1km time trial is 7m6s, so not too bad, and my wall sit was atrocious - so definitely need to work on that, but I'm still in the intermediate range for those.

So, I thought I'd give Advanced Lean and Fit a go. Challenge myself. Went to introduce myself to the rest of the AL&F gang ... yeah, they're all like 50kg ... needing to lose like 1.4kg to get to goal weight. I want to lose at least 20kg ...

So where do I belong?

I don't know where to go ... what to do ... I didn't think this decision would be so hard!! But I guess the crux of the issue is :

Why do I feel that I am not good enough to do AL&F?

Thinking about it now - I am good enough to do it. I know that. Deep down, the truth is there. But why does all of this blue noise keep me back? Why am I letting it keep me back?

Recently a friend told me exactly what she thinks of my decision to do the next round of the 12WBT. She thinks that it encourages dependency and that it disempowers me. It was like a big smack to the face. I still haven't replied to her, because I feel that she doesn't understand my journey.  MY JOURNEY - not hers.  And I guess that this comment has made me question myself and my determination to successfully complete this round.

Can I see the dependency? Yes, absolutely - but I don't feel dependent on the program. I feel like it empowers me to learn about myself, my body, the nutrition my body requires and the effort it takes to be healthy. I can see other people incredibly dependent on the program - there is a hero worship that I don't necessarily agree with - but at the same time, these people are all on their own journeys, and who am I to judge them? Would I ever tell them that I thought that what they were doing is wrong? NO. It's not my call to make. So there's the difference between her and I. I believe every single person is entitled to their own journey, and that it will be different for every one of us. So why not celebrate people's successes, no matter how they were achieved?

Can't we all just get along??

So ... have I made my decision about AL&F? No, not yet. What am I waiting on? I don't know.

Dazed and confused ...

Had a bit of a truck moment this week - don't read on if you're squeamish!!

I started at my new job and got some great information from my teaching partners. But I'm still really stressed. I just want to do a good job, because I want to set these little ones up for success, and to do that well, I need to demonstrate success in my job ...

I was washing up the dishes, chatting to my husband about just how much work I have to do. About how stressed I am with DS1 started school next week, DS2 starting kindy next week and DS3 starting daycare next week. About how guilty I feel that DS3 has to go to daycare. About how guilty I feel that I haven't been to the gym in nearly 2 weeks (DS1 had an anaphylactic reaction last week, so we were in hospital most of that time!). About how much housework I have to do ... you get the picture.

So then, this happened:

The glass I was washing broke, and carved up my hand. Ouch. Straight up to the local hospital for five stitches.

If this is not the universe telling me to slow down, nothing is!! I can't wash my hair, I can't put my bra on in the morning! I can't take it off at night (even worse!) I can't do the washing up, I can't go to the gym ...

So - big arse truck. Thanks universe. I'll listen from now on.


Another thing that's been happening lately is that my friend and I were going to go to the Brisbane 12WBT finale. She's now pulled out (for her own reasons) and whilst I'm incredibly disappointed - I'm actually quite worried as well. This is making me face up to the fact that I'm still incredibly insecure in my own skin. I'm still terrified of what people think of me. I will know a handful of people at finale, and I'm sure that they are all going with their own friends, so why would they want me tagging along? I'm *this close* to not going, but at the same time, I don't want these feelings of mine to win. Because that puts me back where I was this time last year. Is it just blue noise? I dunno ... at least I've got lots of time to think about it haha ...

Moving on

So after my "Monster-In-Law" post I got really down. Felt really lonely, felt depressed, all that shit had been brought back to the surface so I had to face it AGAIN. I've struggled to deal with it, but I'm getting there.

I was grocery shopping with the three chickens today, and a mum came up to me and started asking me if people talk to me about 'how sorry they feel for me that I have boys". I told her, YES! All the time!! She told me that she was the mother of four boys, and that she has the same thing happen to her.

In that moment, I felt a spark of confidence, a spark of something powerful. You know what? My life is NEVER going to be good enough for some people. But why do I care what they think? I KNOW that my boys will always love me, and that we will be close and that they will ALWAYS know that they can come to me with WHATEVER it is that troubles them. They will ALWAYS be loved, ALWAYS be wanted, ALWAYS be cared for. So whatever shape that takes in the future, I will be secure in the knowledge that I love them, and that they love me.

It was so reassuring to have that mother approach me. I think she could see that I was struggling, subconsciously maybe she does too. But it was so nice to have someone approach me and tell me that she gets it, and that she understands. Just some random lady that has helped me get that mindset back. I can't thank her enough.

I've always smiled at mums of boys - because I know what the world thinks of us. That we're not 'complete' parents because we don't have children of differing sexes. I've friends with three girls, or even four girls, and they get the same thing, but they get told to 'watch out for the teenage years, because your daughters will turn into nightmares!". Honestly? And then I have friends with their 'pigeon pair' who get told that they need to provide brothers and sisters for each child. My God - nothing is EVER good enough.

Anyways ...

I found my old skirt in the back of the cupboard today. I wanted to keep it as evidence of how far I have come in this journey. So here is the picture I took today :

That's me AND S, in the skirt that used to be skin tight on me in February, 2012. Gobsmacked.

So I've signed up for the next round of 12WBT and couldn't be more excited. I think I just need the next round to really cement what I have learned, and keep going :)

Monster-in-law ... really?

I was working a night shift last night, on a ward that I usually love to work on. As an agency nurse you get No say in which ward you work on, so it's always nice to go back to a ward you are familiar with.

I was working with some women I had worked with previously, and a nurse I hadn't met yet. We were doing our usual chit chat, and she asked me about my children. I proudly told her that I had three little boys.

Her reply? "Wow, I feel so sorry for you. That must be terrible!". My first instinct? To punch her in the face. But what did I do? I asked her why she thought that. She replied, "because all you'll ever be is the interfering mother in law. You'll only have your sons until they get married, and then they won't even come over to see you. You'll be one of those old mother in laws that is alone in the house because your son won't see you and your daughter will be out with her mother."

I laughed it off, telling her I didn't believe that for a minute.

But inside, I feel shattered.

First of all, I tried to work out why I 'let' this woman into my bubble. And the reality is that I didn't let her into the bubble, but I let her words into my bubble. Then I tried to work out why they affected me so much, considering the progress I've made recently with my gender desire issues. And I think what the problem is, is that this woman voiced my deepest fears. That I will be alone and unloved when I am older. That my boys won't want to spend time with me when they have their own families, and I will be that interfering monster in law that you hear your friends bitching and moaning about over coffee.

I know that my children love me. I know that they will always love me. But I fear that I won't have a relationship with them when they are older, like I do with my mother. My mum is pretty much my best friend, we can talk to each other about anything, she is always there for me. And I know that I will always be there for my boys. But when they are older, am I going to be a person that they reach out to for help? Will I be allowed into their families lives, not just as the mother in law, but as a friend? Am I destined to sit alone, knitting on the front deck with my seventeen cats whilst my sons forget to call, forget to pop by, forget my birthday? Am I going to be the grandmother that only sees her grandchildren once a year?

So there you have it. My deepest, darkest fears all laid out. I can deal with the no mother of the bride thing, and the no 'period' talk thing. But my fear is that I am destined to only be the mother in law. Someone who is seen as not as good as a 'mother' by her daughter in law. Will I lose my children to their own families and be left behind, wanting desperately to follow along but not being able to? How do I reassure myself that this wont happen? I don't see many examples of a mother son relationship that is as strong as the relationship between my mother and I. My own husband doesn't have a very close relationship with his mother, and regularly forgets her birthday. My own brothers are not as close to my mother. My mother even tells me of her fears of being the mother in law to my brothers wife, and how she doesn't want to interfere. Is that really what it's going to be like?

What I should have said to that woman was, do you realise how hurtful your comments are? Do you not think that I have not thought of that situation? Why is it so bad to have a single sex family? Why is it never good enough?

I think that deep down I fear the unknown. I fear what it will be like in the future. I fear that I will be lonely. And I think that's what scares me most of all. I have brothers - no sisters. I have never had a strong female friend that I would do anything for - and not through lack of trying! So I guess the question is - why do I fear being alone? And why do I think it will happen? Why can't I believe that my boys will always be there? 

I know that the relationship with my sons is absolutely something that I can nurture and develop - and I do. I'm just terrified that it won't be enough.

12 highlights

So there have been a few posts from some amazing friends on Facebook lately proudly annoucning 12 major accomplishments that they have achieved in 2012. I'm gonna copy that, because I love that idea!!

1. I turned 30 years old. Major, major milestone for me - incredibly exciting, scary and confronting at the same time. I remember looking in vain for something beautiful to wear to my party - and couldn't find a damn thing to fit. But my party was awesome, it showed how many wonderful people I have in my life that love me and celebrated with me.

2. I started the 12WBT. This program has helped me to change my life in more ways than I thought possible. It takes a lot of courage to join a program you know nothing about in the vain hope that *something* will work. And has this baby worked? You bet your pretty arse it has!!

3. I lost 31kg!! That's insane!! It's like losing the combined weight of my 5 year old and my 3 year old!!

4. I started - and completed - my graduate diploma in education. A massive, massive undertaking which involved full time study, full time prac and a huge amount of self growth.

5. I watched my eldest son commence and complete Kindergarten. He was always a beautifully articulate, compassionate little man, but now he has the self confidence in his own abilities to take on the world! He wants to be a chef, an astronaut, a DJ, a teacher, a nurse and a racing motorbike rider. This kid can do anything. But my achievement in all of this was guiding him - and also letting him take the reins. Releasing that control and allowing my son to venture out on his own and learn from his mistakes was really difficult for me to do. I think all mothers want the best for their children, and for me, allowing myself to step away and watch his growth and development was both confronting and really liberating. To know that I have helped to equip him for success in life is amazing.

6. I met Emazon. To say that this woman and her teachings has helped me is an understatement. I know that some people get upset about how much praise this woman gets, and to an extent I agree. I certainly credit Emma with giving me some of the tools I needed to realise that I have my own strength and my own power. I would have eventually gotten it by myself, but she gave me the kick in the bum I needed to get rid of my Louis Vuitton and make my bubble bulletproof. I'm certainly not there, but I'm well on my way baby!

7. I started to exercise and learned to LOVE IT. I truly enjoy going to the gym, and 12 months ago I would have commited you to a psych unit if you told me I would be saying that. I love the freedom I get at the gym - I can work my arse off for an hour, I don't think about anyone else but me, and it's brilliant.

8. I became a part-time single mum when my hubby had to move away for work. He worked for 12 days on, and then flew home for 2 days. So I studied full time, was a full time stay-at-home mum and participated in the Kindy committee all by myself. I protected my family and did a BLOODY GOOD JOB all by myself. That experience really taught me about my own personal strengths, and how I can do whatever I want, when I set my mind to it.

9. I flew to Sydney for a weekend away WITHOUT MY FAMILY for the first time EVER. I have NEVER been away from my children for more than one night. I flew to Sydney for the 12WBT finale and HAD A BLAST!! I had such a great time, rooming with two gorgeous ladies and partying the night away with the awesome 30+ crew who blow my mind. I love you all xoxo

10. I got a great job. I got a GREAT JOB that over 70 people applied for - and they thought I was good enough to give it to me. Talk about an ego-boost :)

11. I watched my three little men grow up, and realised that my preoccupation with having a daughter had faded into the background, and that the pain I experienced so acutely for so long is now just a dull ache. One that I feel will never go away, but HOLY CRAP - I am the luckiest mother in the whole world because I got the three best little boys in the universe to call my own. Those little boys make me proud every day, and when I think of how much I love them, I can't even stand it.

12. I got off my anti-depressants and haven't looked back. Massive.

So there you go, Kirsty. You've done more for me and my family than you will ever know, because of your beautiful heart and compassion. I've met you once, but you made an impression on me from that very first moment, and I can't wait to catch up again. xoxo

BRING IT ON, 2013!!