I have A LOT of it. Thirty years worth of it. And the large majority of it needs to go. If I want to move on, if I want to become this amazing woman I can see occasionally peaking out from behind the person I see in the mirror, then the LV needs to go.
What I haven't understood before though, is why I haven't been able to let it go. Why the idea of letting it go scares the crap out of me. Why it is such a hard thing to do. I KNOW what needs to be done. I know WHY it needs to be done. The rational part of my brain says to me - JUST FREAKING DO IT!! But that irrational part of my brain wants to hold on so tightly to those bags and for a long time, that irrational part of my brain has been winning.
A gorgeous friend posted something on a Facebook page the other day - about grief. About letting go, and that this letting go contained within it an element of grief. DING DING DING, hello lightbulb!! Of course I'm grieving - I've had this baggage for thirty years, it has become my identity - and changing that means that a lot in my life MIGHT change. So how do I become OK with that change? What if it means that things I want to desperately hold on to change as well?
During SYG with Emazon, there is a section right at the end where you 'blind box'. That is, you close your eyes and try to hit a pad you can't see. During my previous SYGs, this has been the part that has gotten me EVERY SINGLE TIME. That fear of failure - not hitting the pad, not getting it 'right'. Emma said previously that it didn't matter if you didn't get the pad - you didn't fail, it just meant you had to change direction because the pad was somewhere else. Uh dur - of course it is. But I never GOT IT until SYG in Sydney. I really struggled with the first 'blind box' session - I missed A LOT. And I cried A LOT. Janet told me to take some deep breaths - which I did ... and the word trust came to me. Trust - myself, my heart, my mind, my life - trust that I can do this, and even if I miss, it doesn't mean that I've failed, I just need to change direction. I always thought about this section too much - concentrating on listening, and watching the shadows behind my eyelids. But I FINALLY realised that it's not about that. It's about being ok with that change in direction, and knowing what that means.
So - in order to change direction - I need to let go of my Louis Vuitton. As comfortable as it has been - what purpose has it served? It has helped to create a woman who has been ashamed of herself, a woman who strives to make others happy before she makes herself happy, a woman who became a nurse because people told me I would be a good nurse (which I am) - but my heart was never in it. So now, I'm a Kindy teacher, I'm a mum to three amazing sons, and I'm finally starting to make myself happy. That Louis Vuitton is still hanging around in the background, but it's not the first thing I reach for now when things don't go to plan. And that's a huge step for me. I know it will get better, and that my baggage will eventually be a thing of the past. It's ok to grieve that part of me that is being slowly left behind. But you know what is more exciting? What amazing parts of myself I am yet to discover!!
I got told yesterday that I was 'tiny' at the gym - holy crap, NO ONE has EVER said that to me before. It was a really nice feeling - but also a little uncomfortable for me. I think I felt happy for two reasons - acknowledgement of my hard work in my transformation process, but also there was that old blue part of me that was happy because I am finally fitting into society's idea of what I should look like. So a very complex thinking process - one that I'm still working through. I'll save that for another day.
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