That's such a weird thing to say, love life. But some days it's frigging hard to love the life you have. Sometimes life sucks. Like the day a week ago when I realised that it had been seven years since one of my best friends from high school was killed in a horrific car accident when the douche bag on the highway opposite her was on the phone and ran through three lanes of traffic to end her amazing life, which was just beginning. I think of her everyday, and it does make you look at your life more closely.
Other times life is awesome and it's easy to follow the 'love life' slogan. I like those days :) I had one of them today. It was so simple. It was a sleep in (yup, I consider 7am a sleep in, thanks hubby xo), a day doing the grocery shopping with Mr B who stopped in the middle of Coles to tug on my hand, pull me down to his eye height and say, "I love you to the moon and back, Mumma." I hugged him so hard, and we stayed like that for about five minutes. I wasn't ever going to pull back from something like that! Then we went to the park as a family, and my eldest learned how to ride his bike without training wheels - a massive accomplishment when you realise that the last time he tried to do this, he broke his arm.
So I'm getting them ready for the bath, and cleaning the bathroom at the same time (cos that's how mums roll) and I'm thinking about my new job. I'm on contract which expires on the 13th December. It's honestly my dream job. And the idea that I might not get to continue on that career trajectory fills my heart with dread. What makes it hard is that my director tells me frequently, "you're doing such a great job, you're such a find, we really want to keep you but it depends on money."
I always shrug that comment off. I mean, who is able to graciously accept a compliment like that without sounding like you're totally up yourself!
And then I got to thinking. I've been so fortunate in my career. I got a great OP score which allowed me to study nursing. I got a great grad job doing what I thought I would do for the rest of my life - but it turns out it wasn't. I worked in a great job for 10 years before following my heart and doing a degree in teaching. And then my first year out, I get a wonderful job in a community Kindy doing a job I adore.
I always thought I was just lucky to get all of these jobs. I would always get comments like, "we're so happy to have you, you really relate well to the patients, the parents love you, you lead the ward well", etc. etc. And I would always shrug them off, God forbid I actually agree with them.
But tonight, something I realised was this:
Maybe they are telling the truth.
If that's true, then why do I shrug it off? Why am I not able to see what others see in me? Why is it that I hide from things that make me special? Why am I so reluctant to admit that yes, you know what, I actually do a good job. I do actually care about these children. I do actually want to help them to get ready for school. I do actually care about their outcomes. I do actually know what I'm talking about.
So this is my new challenge: acceptance.
I will accept that people see things in myself that I don't see ... yet. I will make it my goal to listen to those people honestly and openly, and try to see those things that they see - and be proud of them. I will begin to understand that yes, I AM good enough. I AM ENOUGH.
How's that?
