Not just good enough ...

SO it's been a while since I've posted on here. Life gets in the way. I've started a wonderful new career that takes up so much of my time, my middle son has been through hell and back with his development, and we're finally moving forward with that, my eldest spent two weeks in hospital with pneumonia and then pleurisy, and my youngest - well, he's too and he's making my life hell! But I love them all, I love my new career and I'm learning to love life.

That's such a weird thing to say, love life. But some days it's frigging hard to love the life you have. Sometimes life sucks. Like the day a week ago when I realised that it had been seven years since one of my best friends from high school was killed in a horrific car accident when the douche bag on the highway opposite her was on the phone and ran through three lanes of traffic to end her amazing life, which was just beginning. I think of her everyday, and it does make you look at your life more closely.

Other times life is awesome and it's easy to follow the 'love life' slogan. I like those days :) I had one of them today. It was so simple. It was a sleep in (yup, I consider 7am a sleep in, thanks hubby xo), a day doing the grocery shopping with Mr B who stopped in the middle of Coles to tug on my hand, pull me down to his eye height and say, "I love you to the moon and back, Mumma." I hugged him so hard, and we stayed like that for about five minutes. I wasn't ever going to pull back from something like that! Then we went to the park as a family, and my eldest learned how to ride his bike without training wheels - a massive accomplishment when you realise that the last time he tried to do this, he broke his arm.

So I'm getting them ready for the bath, and cleaning the bathroom at the same time (cos that's how mums roll) and I'm thinking about my new job. I'm on contract which expires on the 13th December. It's honestly my dream job. And the idea that I might not get to continue on that career trajectory fills my heart with dread. What makes it hard is that my director tells me frequently, "you're doing such a great job, you're such a find, we really want to keep you but it depends on money."

I always shrug that comment off. I mean, who is able to graciously accept a compliment like that without sounding like you're totally up yourself!

And then I got to thinking. I've been so fortunate in my career. I got a great OP score which allowed me to study nursing. I got a great grad job doing what I thought I would do for the rest of my life - but it turns out it wasn't. I worked in a great job for 10 years before following my heart and doing a degree in teaching. And then my first year out, I get a wonderful job in a community Kindy doing a job I adore.

I always thought I was just lucky to get all of these jobs. I would always get comments like, "we're so happy to have you, you really relate well to the patients, the parents love you, you lead the ward well", etc. etc. And I would always shrug them off, God forbid I actually agree with them.

But tonight, something I realised was this:

Maybe they are telling the truth.

If that's true, then why do I shrug it off? Why am I not able to see what others see in me? Why is it that I hide from things that make me special? Why am I so reluctant to admit that yes, you know what, I actually do a good job. I do actually care about these children. I do actually want to help them to get ready for school. I do actually care about their outcomes. I do actually know what I'm talking about. 

So this is my new challenge: acceptance.

I will accept that people see things in myself that I don't see ... yet. I will make it my goal to listen to those people honestly and openly, and try to see those things that they see - and be proud of them. I will begin to understand that yes, I AM good enough. I AM ENOUGH.

How's that?

Day One

So, it's the first day of Round1, 2013. BRING IT ON.

So far - I'v eaten breakfast (yay, this is a BIG thing for me, I HATE breakfast food)> I had really yummy low fat vanilla yoghurt with a delicious home made paleo granola. Yummo!

I dropped my eldest at school - and then headed straight to the gym. I got there heaps early, and was going to wait around until the 9:30 class started. This was my excuse to avoid the interval sprints that are on the L&F program for Day one. Then the creche director said, "What are you waiting for? Get out there and do it." So I did.

I ran for 15 minutes as a warm up. I did 15 minutes on the rower (OH MY GOD I AM DYING ALREADY). I did 15 minutes interval sprints. Did I follow the plan - yes about 85%. The speeds on the interval sprints were simply too much for me - but I tried my hardest and that's ok. I did the best I could - and L&S is certainly a challenge for me this round. I'm gonna do my best, not give up, and smash my fitness goals.

I went to the finale over the weekend. I was so inspired by the amazing women there - the men and women who won transformation prizes, inspirational models, etc. But most of all it was those of us who hide in the background, who plod along and don't boast about our achievements, who secretly wish we had enough self confidence to put ourselves out there - YOU INSPIRE ME THE MOST. Because the hardest part of the struggle to become healthy is making the commitment to yourself. And you've done that. And so have I.

My beautiful friend just posted this:
"My parents used to have this old queenslander and it was nothing fancy. But it's stumps were rotting out. They had to restump the whole house for it to be standing again. And that's kind of how I've seen this journey. You could pretty up the house itself but if you didn't replace the stumps it would eventually collapse no matter what it looked liKE. I always knew that was the secret was changing who I was on the inside I just didn't know how and one day it just all clicked and I got it."

YES!!!!

Has it just clicked for me? I truly think so. Because as much as I want the outside of me to be 'beautiful' (according to whom? I don't know ...), I truly want to feel beautiful on the inside and be TRULY AT PEACE with myself. So that means treating my body like a temple, because it does amazing things, it really does. 

So to those Easter Eggs sitting in the cupboard - enjoy that cupboard, cos you're not coming out until the Easter Bunny visits my kids. To the two vodka cruisers sitting in the fridge - meh. To the delicious healthy food sitting in my fridge - welcome. To my children - your mum is back, baby!

 

Where do I belong?

I've signed up for the next round of 12WBT. I'm kicking my bad habits, my old emotional fallbacks and my self sabotage to the curb. I am getting to my goal weight, or if not, I'll be so frigging close I can smell it. So there.

I did my fitness test today. Confession time - it's the first time I've ever really done it. Yeah, I've done the time trials before. But I NEVER did the wall sit. I did the sit ups ... but I NEVER did the push ups. I did the flexibility - because I knew I'd get a good result on that one. So today - no excuses. I planked in the middle of the gym for 64 seconds. Technically that puts me in the advanced range for the program, along with my results for the pushups and the flexibility. My 1km time trial is 7m6s, so not too bad, and my wall sit was atrocious - so definitely need to work on that, but I'm still in the intermediate range for those.

So, I thought I'd give Advanced Lean and Fit a go. Challenge myself. Went to introduce myself to the rest of the AL&F gang ... yeah, they're all like 50kg ... needing to lose like 1.4kg to get to goal weight. I want to lose at least 20kg ...

So where do I belong?

I don't know where to go ... what to do ... I didn't think this decision would be so hard!! But I guess the crux of the issue is :

Why do I feel that I am not good enough to do AL&F?

Thinking about it now - I am good enough to do it. I know that. Deep down, the truth is there. But why does all of this blue noise keep me back? Why am I letting it keep me back?

Recently a friend told me exactly what she thinks of my decision to do the next round of the 12WBT. She thinks that it encourages dependency and that it disempowers me. It was like a big smack to the face. I still haven't replied to her, because I feel that she doesn't understand my journey.  MY JOURNEY - not hers.  And I guess that this comment has made me question myself and my determination to successfully complete this round.

Can I see the dependency? Yes, absolutely - but I don't feel dependent on the program. I feel like it empowers me to learn about myself, my body, the nutrition my body requires and the effort it takes to be healthy. I can see other people incredibly dependent on the program - there is a hero worship that I don't necessarily agree with - but at the same time, these people are all on their own journeys, and who am I to judge them? Would I ever tell them that I thought that what they were doing is wrong? NO. It's not my call to make. So there's the difference between her and I. I believe every single person is entitled to their own journey, and that it will be different for every one of us. So why not celebrate people's successes, no matter how they were achieved?

Can't we all just get along??

So ... have I made my decision about AL&F? No, not yet. What am I waiting on? I don't know.

Dazed and confused ...

Had a bit of a truck moment this week - don't read on if you're squeamish!!

I started at my new job and got some great information from my teaching partners. But I'm still really stressed. I just want to do a good job, because I want to set these little ones up for success, and to do that well, I need to demonstrate success in my job ...

I was washing up the dishes, chatting to my husband about just how much work I have to do. About how stressed I am with DS1 started school next week, DS2 starting kindy next week and DS3 starting daycare next week. About how guilty I feel that DS3 has to go to daycare. About how guilty I feel that I haven't been to the gym in nearly 2 weeks (DS1 had an anaphylactic reaction last week, so we were in hospital most of that time!). About how much housework I have to do ... you get the picture.

So then, this happened:

The glass I was washing broke, and carved up my hand. Ouch. Straight up to the local hospital for five stitches.

If this is not the universe telling me to slow down, nothing is!! I can't wash my hair, I can't put my bra on in the morning! I can't take it off at night (even worse!) I can't do the washing up, I can't go to the gym ...

So - big arse truck. Thanks universe. I'll listen from now on.


Another thing that's been happening lately is that my friend and I were going to go to the Brisbane 12WBT finale. She's now pulled out (for her own reasons) and whilst I'm incredibly disappointed - I'm actually quite worried as well. This is making me face up to the fact that I'm still incredibly insecure in my own skin. I'm still terrified of what people think of me. I will know a handful of people at finale, and I'm sure that they are all going with their own friends, so why would they want me tagging along? I'm *this close* to not going, but at the same time, I don't want these feelings of mine to win. Because that puts me back where I was this time last year. Is it just blue noise? I dunno ... at least I've got lots of time to think about it haha ...

Moving on

So after my "Monster-In-Law" post I got really down. Felt really lonely, felt depressed, all that shit had been brought back to the surface so I had to face it AGAIN. I've struggled to deal with it, but I'm getting there.

I was grocery shopping with the three chickens today, and a mum came up to me and started asking me if people talk to me about 'how sorry they feel for me that I have boys". I told her, YES! All the time!! She told me that she was the mother of four boys, and that she has the same thing happen to her.

In that moment, I felt a spark of confidence, a spark of something powerful. You know what? My life is NEVER going to be good enough for some people. But why do I care what they think? I KNOW that my boys will always love me, and that we will be close and that they will ALWAYS know that they can come to me with WHATEVER it is that troubles them. They will ALWAYS be loved, ALWAYS be wanted, ALWAYS be cared for. So whatever shape that takes in the future, I will be secure in the knowledge that I love them, and that they love me.

It was so reassuring to have that mother approach me. I think she could see that I was struggling, subconsciously maybe she does too. But it was so nice to have someone approach me and tell me that she gets it, and that she understands. Just some random lady that has helped me get that mindset back. I can't thank her enough.

I've always smiled at mums of boys - because I know what the world thinks of us. That we're not 'complete' parents because we don't have children of differing sexes. I've friends with three girls, or even four girls, and they get the same thing, but they get told to 'watch out for the teenage years, because your daughters will turn into nightmares!". Honestly? And then I have friends with their 'pigeon pair' who get told that they need to provide brothers and sisters for each child. My God - nothing is EVER good enough.

Anyways ...

I found my old skirt in the back of the cupboard today. I wanted to keep it as evidence of how far I have come in this journey. So here is the picture I took today :

That's me AND S, in the skirt that used to be skin tight on me in February, 2012. Gobsmacked.

So I've signed up for the next round of 12WBT and couldn't be more excited. I think I just need the next round to really cement what I have learned, and keep going :)

Monster-in-law ... really?

I was working a night shift last night, on a ward that I usually love to work on. As an agency nurse you get No say in which ward you work on, so it's always nice to go back to a ward you are familiar with.

I was working with some women I had worked with previously, and a nurse I hadn't met yet. We were doing our usual chit chat, and she asked me about my children. I proudly told her that I had three little boys.

Her reply? "Wow, I feel so sorry for you. That must be terrible!". My first instinct? To punch her in the face. But what did I do? I asked her why she thought that. She replied, "because all you'll ever be is the interfering mother in law. You'll only have your sons until they get married, and then they won't even come over to see you. You'll be one of those old mother in laws that is alone in the house because your son won't see you and your daughter will be out with her mother."

I laughed it off, telling her I didn't believe that for a minute.

But inside, I feel shattered.

First of all, I tried to work out why I 'let' this woman into my bubble. And the reality is that I didn't let her into the bubble, but I let her words into my bubble. Then I tried to work out why they affected me so much, considering the progress I've made recently with my gender desire issues. And I think what the problem is, is that this woman voiced my deepest fears. That I will be alone and unloved when I am older. That my boys won't want to spend time with me when they have their own families, and I will be that interfering monster in law that you hear your friends bitching and moaning about over coffee.

I know that my children love me. I know that they will always love me. But I fear that I won't have a relationship with them when they are older, like I do with my mother. My mum is pretty much my best friend, we can talk to each other about anything, she is always there for me. And I know that I will always be there for my boys. But when they are older, am I going to be a person that they reach out to for help? Will I be allowed into their families lives, not just as the mother in law, but as a friend? Am I destined to sit alone, knitting on the front deck with my seventeen cats whilst my sons forget to call, forget to pop by, forget my birthday? Am I going to be the grandmother that only sees her grandchildren once a year?

So there you have it. My deepest, darkest fears all laid out. I can deal with the no mother of the bride thing, and the no 'period' talk thing. But my fear is that I am destined to only be the mother in law. Someone who is seen as not as good as a 'mother' by her daughter in law. Will I lose my children to their own families and be left behind, wanting desperately to follow along but not being able to? How do I reassure myself that this wont happen? I don't see many examples of a mother son relationship that is as strong as the relationship between my mother and I. My own husband doesn't have a very close relationship with his mother, and regularly forgets her birthday. My own brothers are not as close to my mother. My mother even tells me of her fears of being the mother in law to my brothers wife, and how she doesn't want to interfere. Is that really what it's going to be like?

What I should have said to that woman was, do you realise how hurtful your comments are? Do you not think that I have not thought of that situation? Why is it so bad to have a single sex family? Why is it never good enough?

I think that deep down I fear the unknown. I fear what it will be like in the future. I fear that I will be lonely. And I think that's what scares me most of all. I have brothers - no sisters. I have never had a strong female friend that I would do anything for - and not through lack of trying! So I guess the question is - why do I fear being alone? And why do I think it will happen? Why can't I believe that my boys will always be there? 

I know that the relationship with my sons is absolutely something that I can nurture and develop - and I do. I'm just terrified that it won't be enough.

12 highlights

So there have been a few posts from some amazing friends on Facebook lately proudly annoucning 12 major accomplishments that they have achieved in 2012. I'm gonna copy that, because I love that idea!!

1. I turned 30 years old. Major, major milestone for me - incredibly exciting, scary and confronting at the same time. I remember looking in vain for something beautiful to wear to my party - and couldn't find a damn thing to fit. But my party was awesome, it showed how many wonderful people I have in my life that love me and celebrated with me.

2. I started the 12WBT. This program has helped me to change my life in more ways than I thought possible. It takes a lot of courage to join a program you know nothing about in the vain hope that *something* will work. And has this baby worked? You bet your pretty arse it has!!

3. I lost 31kg!! That's insane!! It's like losing the combined weight of my 5 year old and my 3 year old!!

4. I started - and completed - my graduate diploma in education. A massive, massive undertaking which involved full time study, full time prac and a huge amount of self growth.

5. I watched my eldest son commence and complete Kindergarten. He was always a beautifully articulate, compassionate little man, but now he has the self confidence in his own abilities to take on the world! He wants to be a chef, an astronaut, a DJ, a teacher, a nurse and a racing motorbike rider. This kid can do anything. But my achievement in all of this was guiding him - and also letting him take the reins. Releasing that control and allowing my son to venture out on his own and learn from his mistakes was really difficult for me to do. I think all mothers want the best for their children, and for me, allowing myself to step away and watch his growth and development was both confronting and really liberating. To know that I have helped to equip him for success in life is amazing.

6. I met Emazon. To say that this woman and her teachings has helped me is an understatement. I know that some people get upset about how much praise this woman gets, and to an extent I agree. I certainly credit Emma with giving me some of the tools I needed to realise that I have my own strength and my own power. I would have eventually gotten it by myself, but she gave me the kick in the bum I needed to get rid of my Louis Vuitton and make my bubble bulletproof. I'm certainly not there, but I'm well on my way baby!

7. I started to exercise and learned to LOVE IT. I truly enjoy going to the gym, and 12 months ago I would have commited you to a psych unit if you told me I would be saying that. I love the freedom I get at the gym - I can work my arse off for an hour, I don't think about anyone else but me, and it's brilliant.

8. I became a part-time single mum when my hubby had to move away for work. He worked for 12 days on, and then flew home for 2 days. So I studied full time, was a full time stay-at-home mum and participated in the Kindy committee all by myself. I protected my family and did a BLOODY GOOD JOB all by myself. That experience really taught me about my own personal strengths, and how I can do whatever I want, when I set my mind to it.

9. I flew to Sydney for a weekend away WITHOUT MY FAMILY for the first time EVER. I have NEVER been away from my children for more than one night. I flew to Sydney for the 12WBT finale and HAD A BLAST!! I had such a great time, rooming with two gorgeous ladies and partying the night away with the awesome 30+ crew who blow my mind. I love you all xoxo

10. I got a great job. I got a GREAT JOB that over 70 people applied for - and they thought I was good enough to give it to me. Talk about an ego-boost :)

11. I watched my three little men grow up, and realised that my preoccupation with having a daughter had faded into the background, and that the pain I experienced so acutely for so long is now just a dull ache. One that I feel will never go away, but HOLY CRAP - I am the luckiest mother in the whole world because I got the three best little boys in the universe to call my own. Those little boys make me proud every day, and when I think of how much I love them, I can't even stand it.

12. I got off my anti-depressants and haven't looked back. Massive.

So there you go, Kirsty. You've done more for me and my family than you will ever know, because of your beautiful heart and compassion. I've met you once, but you made an impression on me from that very first moment, and I can't wait to catch up again. xoxo

BRING IT ON, 2013!!

This little piggie ...

So, here is 2013. Bit of a letdown so far!

I was booked for a nursing shift this morning. I was supposed to start at 7am and finish at 7:30pm. Through my nursing agency, the agreement is that I get a two hour notice of a cancelled shift. So 5am came and went - no text message to tell me it was cancelled. So I get ready for work, and leave at 5:30am. As I'm half way to to hospital, I get a text message telling me the shift was cancelled and the late notice was because "the mobile phone wasn't working." Uncool. Technically I should be paid for two hours work because of the late notice - but who pays? The hospital? The agency? None of them will, so I'm out of work and p'ed off!

So instead of going back to bed, I thought that I'd go for a run. Off I go, facing my fears of running in public because I'm still so self conscious. I'm running, getting into a groove, feeling pretty good. Then I turn onto a main road, and about half way down the road some random mean guy drives past me and calls out, "Keep running, you fat pig!!"

Gutted. Devastated.

So what do I do? I turn around and run home. With my tail between my legs.

Now I'm home, typing this blog post and I'm not angry at the mean guy who said that. I'm angry at myself for letting that ***** into my bubble and affecting me so much. Why should his own issues and his need to belittle people for his own benefit make me question my own abilities and my own goals? Why does he get to win?

He won't. I'm going back out there this afternoon and I will finish my run. I will not let him beat me.

Great expectations

 

It's been a while between posts - life gets like that. I've never been the type of girl to keep a diary for an extended period of time (I'd get good for a few months ... then it would drift off ... and then I'd start with a renewed vigour ... you get the idea). It seems bizarre to me that people would post their inner-most thoughts and experiences for the world to read about and make their own judgements on.

BUT, I've started to realise that it's not about anyone else but me, and that this format, this structure of thought release is just one medium that I have at my disposal to express and deliberate on my own thoughts and feelings - and if it helps ONE person, then I'm overjoyed.

I've been helped recently by some amazing people. In fact, I've been blessed a number of times throughout this year, and I'm so incredibly grateful that I just can't even begin to describe it. A massive influence in my life this year has been my lovely friend Janet (you can read her blog here : http://www.clearingouttheshit.blogspot.com). Janet, you know that I love you, but you don't understand the massive impact you've had on my life this year - so publicly, I just wanted to say how AWESOME you are. Love ya guts babe.

So - over the weekend I had an opportunity to 'repay' some kindness in a very small way, by participating in a secret morning tea for a lovely girl on our 30+ crew page. Three gorgeous girls from the 30+ page and myself made the trek to Toowoomba to celebrate with this darling lady, and whilst it CERTAINLY made me extend my comfort zones (I HATE driving on highways, and going out with people that I've only met once or twice is very confronting for me), I am SO GLAD I went. I haven't laughed that hard in ages, and I'll never look at the 'Castle of Dinmore' the same way again :0)

Two of these beautiful travelling companions encouraged me to attend a bootcamp the next morning - again, challenging me to extend my comfort zones. I took my eldest baby chick and HAD A BALL!!

At the end of the bootcamp, Ange did an Emazon-style guided meditation. I was SO EXCITED about this, I thought, "Finally! I get to speak to my red self again!" (Now, of course I do realise that I can speak to her any time I choose, but I digress ...). I was so excited, and sat there, eagerly awaiting my 'message' from my red self so that I could accept the message and start 'doing something' with it ... ha ha ha.

I got to the part where you walk into your room, where your 'self' will be waiting. I walked in through the white corridor, through the white door, into the white room with a ruby red love seat in the corner ... and no self. I was disappointed to say the least - gutted might be a better descriptor. My immediate thought was, "Yup, another f'ing thing I can't do right!". I lay there in tears, waiting, waiting, waiting for my message, which didn't come. Ange then guided us to walk out of the room and up the stairs. As I was walking out of the room, this little sing-song voice called out, "You expect too much." Cheeky biatch!!

So, I'm taking that on board. I really do expect too much of people, and too much of myself. I go above and beyond for people, and when they let me down, I get really upset. And I don't think that lowering my expectations of others is a bad thing at this point, because I am setting them up for failure when they don't reach my incredibly high standards and expectations. And I set my own self up for failure when I set the bar too high and don't reach it.

It's time to be realistic. So- my New Year's "Resolution"? Go gently and be accepting of anything that the universe throws into my path, because it is there to teach me a lesson.

Have a great New Year's Eve!! 

Just call me Louis Vuitton ...

Baggage ...

I have A LOT of it. Thirty years worth of it. And the large majority of it needs to go. If I want to move on, if I want to become this amazing woman I can see occasionally peaking out from behind the person I see in the mirror, then the LV needs to go.

What I haven't understood before though, is why I haven't been able to let it go. Why the idea of letting it go scares the crap out of me. Why it is such a hard thing to do. I KNOW what needs to be done. I know WHY it needs to be done. The rational part of my brain says to me - JUST FREAKING DO IT!! But that irrational part of my brain wants to hold on so tightly to those bags and for a long time, that irrational part of my brain has been winning.

A gorgeous friend posted something on a Facebook page the other day - about grief. About letting go, and that this letting go contained within it an element of grief.  DING DING DING, hello lightbulb!! Of course I'm grieving  - I've had this baggage for thirty years, it has become my identity - and changing that means that a lot in my life MIGHT change. So how do I become OK with that change? What if it means that things I want to desperately hold on to change as well?

During SYG with Emazon, there is a section right at the end where you 'blind box'. That is, you close your eyes and try to hit a pad you can't see. During my previous SYGs, this has been the part that has gotten me EVERY SINGLE TIME. That fear of failure - not hitting the pad, not getting it 'right'. Emma said previously that it didn't matter if you didn't get the pad - you didn't fail, it just meant you had to change direction because the pad was somewhere else. Uh dur - of course it is. But I never GOT IT until SYG in Sydney. I really struggled with the first 'blind box' session - I missed A LOT. And I cried A LOT. Janet told me to take some deep breaths - which I did ... and the word trust came to me. Trust - myself, my heart, my mind, my life - trust that I can do this, and even if I miss, it doesn't mean that I've failed, I just need to change direction. I always thought about this section too much - concentrating on listening, and watching the shadows behind my eyelids. But I FINALLY realised that it's not about that. It's about being ok with that change in direction, and knowing what that means.

So - in order to change direction - I need to let go of my Louis Vuitton. As comfortable as it has been - what purpose has it served? It has helped to create a woman who has been ashamed of herself, a woman who strives to make others happy before she makes herself happy, a woman who became a nurse because people told me I would be a good nurse (which I am) - but my heart was never in it. So now, I'm a Kindy teacher, I'm a mum to three amazing sons, and I'm finally starting to make myself happy. That Louis Vuitton is still hanging around in the background, but it's not the first thing I reach for now when things don't go to plan. And that's a huge step for me. I know it will get better, and that my baggage will eventually be a thing of the past. It's ok to grieve that part of me that is being slowly left behind. But you know what is more exciting? What amazing parts of myself I am yet to discover!!

I got told yesterday that I was 'tiny' at the gym - holy crap, NO ONE has EVER said that to me before. It was a really nice feeling - but also a little uncomfortable for me. I think I felt happy for two reasons - acknowledgement of my hard work in my transformation process, but also there was that old blue part of me that was happy because I am finally fitting into society's idea of what I should look like. So a very complex thinking process - one that I'm still working through. I'll save that for another day. 

Rockin' around the clock

Over the weekend, I celebrated the finale of Round 3 of the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation. This was my third round, and all together I've lost just under 28kg and over 134cm of measurement off my body.

Not only had I completed the three rounds, literally on the Friday that we flew to Sydney, I handed in the VERY LAST ASSIGNMENT for my Graduate Diploma in Education (Early Childhood). I have finished uni!!

Very recently, I've been completing a prac placement in a school in a Prep classroom, and I spent 5 weeks fulltime there. To be honest, there was so much about that prac that felt so wrong, that I can't even begin to start to explain it. I was asked to be untrue to myself, to my ethics - it was awful. I really struggled with being inauthentic - to reward behaviour that should just be a given, to ask young children to complete assessment pieces that had NO authentic components, no way for them to link their learning to the real world - let's just say I didn't enjoy myself at all. I pretty much hated every minute, and I really feel it was because I was asked to compromise my integrity just so I could pass the prac. BUT - more about that later.

I had such a wonderful weekend in Sydney. It was my first time EVER away from the brood, so I found it very challenging, particularly the mummy guilt side of things. However, my two lovely friends kept my mind off it, and I had a brilliant night!

I danced the night away in shoes that were FAR TOO HIGH for me, and I was blown away with the love and support that people whom I had never met showed me throughout the night. Let's just say, 30+ crew, YOU ARE FRICKING AWESOME!!!!!!

On the Sunday, I was so insanely fortunate to attend Stand Your Ground 1 with the amazing Janet (thank you my beautiful friend) and Emazon, whom I have posted about previously. Last time I did SYG, my head was all over the place, and whilst I learnt SO MUCH, I was really looking forward to getting something different from SYG this time, and I sure did.

Last time, I HATED the blind boxing. It really freaked me out, having to trust myself and being OK with not hitting the pad - that it just meant that I needed to change direction, and that I didn't fail. Being someone who has ALWAYS judged their self worth on their ability to PASS OR FAIL, this was so very confronting for me.

The first time we blind boxed, I froze. I freaked out. I kept telling myself, 'You can't do this ... you're going to fail ..." Then Emma said, "It doesn't matter if you don't hit the pad this time - because all it is telling you is that the pad is SOMEWHERE ELSE. That's all."  Ding ding ding!! Lightbulb. It's ok to not get it the first time - it doesn't mean you give up, and cry in the corner because you suck. NOPE. You get back up, and you change direction. Because the pad is there - it's just not where you thought it was.

All this time, I thought it was about using your ears to find out where your pad holder was standing. But it was about so much more. It was about trusting yourself enough to change direction.

My mantra during the blind boxing was trust. I needed to be ok with trusting MYSELF. And I did - and I hit the pad ... a lot. I missed once or twice, and that self doubt kept flooding back, but I didn't give up. I said to myself "TRUST IT" and came back to hit the pad.

At the end, when we were all sharing how we were now feeling, I said, "On the edge." I had Lady GaGa's song, "Edge of Glory" in my head, and that's what I felt like - on the edge of something amazing, that I just needed to trust myself to get rid of my Louis Vitton baggage and take the leap (thanks for the analogy, Emma!! I'll never look at LV the same).

So - now that prac is over - I can share something amazing. I have been given a wonderful, wonderful opportunity to become a Kindergarten teacher at a beautiful little community centre. A Kindy teacher job is incredibly difficult to get, and I'm so honoured that the teachers there saw something special in me. I start on Thursday, and I'm filled with anticipation. I cannot wait to help to shape the lives of little people. It's going to be brilliant, and I'm so glad that SYG has helped me to trust that anticipation and do something amazing with it!

How to save a life

I haven't written a post in a while. I find it difficult to get the time to sit down uninterrupted by the brood for extended periods of time, and I'm also completing the final prac placement for my graduate diploma of early childhood education which means that in four short weeks, I will be a qualified early childhood teacher! It's been a really tough 12 months and there is no way I would have gotten this far without my amazing husband and three darling little chickens.
During this last 10 months, I've made some pretty big changes in my life. I turned 30, decided on a new career, and started on the hardest journey of my adult life - to lose weight I have carried for the last 29 years. I've never been a 'skinny Minnie' and that's not what I want now, I just want to be a healthy role model for not only my chickens, but for all of the children I will encounter both as a paediatric nurse (current career) and as an early childhood teacher (future career).
So, I started the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program after seeing the success a friend had with it. It was a life saver. The program taught me about not only eating well, but appropriate exercise and then helped me to figure out why my head was holding me back- or so I thought.
I've shed over 25kg since February, and I've got about 25 more to go. I don't have a specific goal in mind, it's more about feeling ok with myself and being able to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It will be nice to be able to walk into a 'regular' clothing shop and pick something that is nice to wear, rather than what fits, so I am starting to be able to do that, but that's not the only reason I did the program.
However, lately I've been noticing my eldest chicken has been talking about 'calories', exercise and being fat. He is five years old, and he is hearing this talk from me. I don't want him to grow up the same way I did - always talking about 'good food' and 'bad food' and being made to feel bad about how my body looks. I needed something to change in the way I spoke about the life I am now leading, and I found that with Emazon.
So, who is Emazon? You may have heard of her when watching Season 2 of The Biggest Loser, Australia. She was the scary looking chick with the bright red hair who took the contestants into the boxing ring and taught them how to fight. How the hell can a woman like that teach me about being a great mum? Read on and you'll find out.

Honesty corner here - I have struggled for a long long time with gender desire. Some people go through the same thing, particularly when they have children of the same sex, like my three boys, and they call it gender disappointment. Let me set this straight right from the get-go. I am NOT DISAPPOINTED that I have my three amazing, special little men. I am so incredibly blessed that sometimes the amount of love I feel for them takes my breath away. I have, however, found myself upset that my daughter, who I have craved since I ever imagined being a mother, will not come to pass. I have struggled with feelings of loneliness, frustration and sadness that the dream I have had for over 20 years will not come true, and even now, it's still incredibly difficult to talk about. Gender desire, or disappointment, however you chose to look at it, is something that NO ONE talks about. How incredibly ungrateful of someone to feel upset that they didn't have a girl, when they have a healthy baby boy! How ungrateful that you are sad because you were blessed with a girl, when you really wanted a boy, when friends of yours can't even have children. I know all of that - and believe me, I've felt so guilty for feeling this way for so long, and I've beaten myself up enough about it, so you don't need to worry about letting me know all of that stuff. It's a shameful feeling to have, and no one wants to admit it. But we're out there, walking amongst you at the shops, gazing wistfully at the little girls having coffee with their mums, and the boys playing soccer with their parents at the park. We exist, and so does gender desire.

So anyways, back to Emazon. I'd heard about her through some of the 12WBT Facebook pages, and had attended a MindFit session and a Fight Training session with her when she came up to Darra in the middle of the year. Now, she was coming up to the Sunshine Ciast, and I booked in for Stand Your Ground 1. I drove up there from school, and arrived 20 minutes late after detouring through Kawana Waters after my stupid GPS took me the wrong way. But I got there. And I did the session and it was great - until the last exercise we did, which was trying to hit the pads of our friend with our eyes closed. I threw my first punch ... and missed. Utterly devastated. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't believe I had missed, and I felt that the whole session had been a waste. I obviously couldn't listen to my authentic self - I couldn't tune out all of the blue noise in my head. I felt angry, and unresolved, and left the session feeling very disappointed.

I couldn't afford SYG2, and was quite upset by that. My amazing friend Janet (check out her blog at clearingouttheshit.blogspot.com) generously paid for me to attend SYG2 the next night. I learned so much about myself that night. I learnt to block out (most) of the blue noise, and TRAIN. In fact I trained so hard that I injured my wrist with a suspected hairline fracture! But bloody hell, it felt awesome.

We then did a meditation session, where we called on our authentic self (or red self) to help us move to a place of self love. My red self spoke to me. She said, "stop trying to be enough, and just realise that you are enough." I almost laughed out loud in the middle of the meditation. Me, enough? Hardly. So, I spoke back to her. I said, "So, why don't I believe you?" And she said, "because you are afraid of what it means." Huh? Of course I'm afraid! My whole life has been spent trying to prove that I'm good enough and worthy of love. And now I have to change all of that, all of that hard work where I bust my arse every single day trying to prove that I am a good mother/wife/nurse/student/teacher/person? How the hell am I supposed to do that? I knew Emma would have the answers to help me take the first step to that understanding, so I enquired about a one on one session. She was unable to fit me in, so I figured that it was just not meant to be, and I would catch her another time.

The next day, I received a phone call. Emma had opened up a one on one JUST FOR ME. So now there was no excuse. No reason to not go and take the first step - except for the money. I stressed over it, and spoke with my husband about it. Being on unpaid maternity leave means that money is always tight, so I told my husband that I wouldn't do it. He then walked silently into the bedroom, and came back with a full tin of money, you know, those tins you throw your loose change in to? He said, "I've been saving up for a new tool, but you are my wife, and if there is enough money in here for you to do this, and continue these changes I've seen in you over the last week then that's the best thing for all of us." So we opened the tin, and there was enough money for the session, plus $2 left over to start a new tin. Talk about the planets aligning.

I had also posted on Facebook about the money issue, basically wanting people to tell me to suck it up and do it! But I got so much more that that. I had five strangers donate $10 each - to pay for my petrol money to get there and back. My initial instinct was to say no - because I'm not worthy of such love and support. But I accepted, and attended the one on one.

The session changed the way I viewed my whole life. Not only am I lucky enough to be the mum of three boys, I now have the awesome power and responsibility to change the way they view the world, by modelling love, respect, compassion and guidance to my children. I can encourage my boys to be well balanced men, and guide them in their lives as men, fathers, husbands and sons. I knew all of this before, but it was the way Emma spoke about it that changed my perception. She also spoke about the need to seek approval, and what it means. For me, it was about showing people that I am worthy of love, but that my weight issues were a way to provide a shield. It meant that even if I did everything I could to get someone to like me, and they didn't, I could blame my weight, and say, it's just because I'm fat that they don't like me. It's not. Some people just don't get on and that's ok. The only person I need approval from is myself, and when I have that self love, it doesn't matter what other people think because they are not as important as myself. A significant male person in my life has always appeared to push me away, never allowing me to do things that he did with my brothers. I interpreted it as he didn't love me as much as my brothers. But it's not that at all. He was never give the chance to learn about women and girls from his mother, so instead of being compassionate to a female psyche, he became over protective and wrapped me in cotton wool. But now when he says things to me that previously I would have interpreted as pushing away, I can now see that he's just trying to protect his baby girl from making a mistake. It is such a relief to see things in a different way now, and I can truly thank Emma for helping me to see this, and for helping me to realise I am in such a priveledged position to ensure that my boys grow up to be men that can show their daughers love, compassion and support in a more obvious way.

So I have thrown away my scales. I no longer talk of calories or protein or carbohydrates and I don't use the words fat or skinny anymore. I don't talk about exercise. I talk to my children about health and self love, and giving your body nourishment. My son has stopped jumping on the scales everyday and talking about how many calories are in the muesli bar he just ate. My son talks about healthy food that makes him feel good. And that is truly the best gift ever.

So now the planets have aligned and Janet and I are able to do another SYG1 session in Sydney in November. I can't wait to share with Emma how things are going, and how truly blessed I feel that she was able to help me see that first footlight. Thank you to all the women who recruited me to their red army, and showed me that sometimes just being able to help a random stranger helps ourselves as well.

OMG - training with Lisa Curry!

So, here I am = back to it. If the evidence of the last four days is proof that I am still not in the right mindset to continue this weight loss journey alone, I don't know what it! I still have it in my head that, because I'm not technically weighing in until Week One of Round Two that I can eat what I want - not so.  I've put a kg back on this week - and whilst I'm sure some of it is fluid retention (ladies - hearing me!! :x ), I KNOW some of it is from my very poor choices this week.
So, back to it. Went for a road run yesterday afternoon with my awful dog. She CANNOT run for the life of her, she gets so excited about sniffing and peeing that she pulled me off the footpath at least 10 times!! So I dropped her back at home half way through, and did just over 4km in 47 minutes. For someone that doesn't run (more like shuffle!), I was pretty impressed by that.

The awesome 12WBT Qld Crew have organised a training sesh with the amazing Lisa Curry on the weekend. I am totally there! I am petrified, because I know I'm still quite unfit, but I'm willing to give it my all and try my hardest, and I guess that's all anyone can ask of themselves. If anyone had told me 6 months ago that I would be excited about getting my butt kicked in a training sesh with Lisa Curry I would have had them admitted to Psych. But here I am - nervous, scared, but ultimately excited about trying something new, something that the old me would never have attempted.

I took this self portrait on Saturday, after watching my eldest get his yellow tip in Karate. Very impressed that I actually have a jawline. Still trying to get rid of that little fatty bit around my neck, but I know it will go eventually. It's pictures like this that make me want to keep going - you can see improvement, but you know you've still got a long way to go.

I got some results from my uni assignments - I'm studying Early Childhood Education externally, and it's bloody hard work, particularly when you are the sole parent for 12 days out of the fortnight! But I got a 7 for diversity, a 5 for literacy and a 7 for mathematics. Feeling pretty good really!! Have finished the next three assignments that are due this Friday, so here's hoping that they're half as good!
I start a four week block of prac in a Year Three classroom next Monday, so I'm excited and nervous about that too, but I know it's what I want to do with my life. I don't want to go back to child health - it is not my cup of tea at all. And if I could do acute paeds without the shift work, I'd be back in a heartbeat but that just won't happen. So time for making a change to make me and my home happier. So glad I'm doing it!!

Have a wonderful week - I'll post pics of my red sweaty face after my training sesh with Lisa on the weekend!! :D

Amazing, generous, astounding ...

So, part of my goals for 2012 (the year of Kylie) was to really dedicate myself to making the best version of myself a reality. In short, it means lose a bucketload of weight. And I'm well on my way there. I'm down 12-point-something kilograms in just over 10 weeks, I've lost over 43cms from my body, and I can RUN! I have NEVER been able to go for a run in my entire life, but I have always wanted to. And now I can. I'm not the fastest, or the most co-ordinated, but I tell you what, I am the most determined.

I'll have Katy Perry's "Part of Me" song blasting away on the iPod and be huffing and puffing and red and disgusting, but it doesn't matter, because I love it. I always used to worry about what people were thinking about me as they drove past me on the road. And yes, I've had horns honked at me and teenage boys yell at me, "Keep running, fatso!". It's heartbreaking when that happens. But most of the time, the people I run/walk past have a big smile on their face, and I know they're thinking, "Wow - look at her. She's doing something to change her life and that is AWESOME."

My boys are proud of me - hubby included. My eldest, S, wants desperately to attend a gym class with me. He'll be old enough soon - they have a Kidsfit class at the gym, so when he turns 5 I'll take him along to one of those. He started Karate this morning, and the look on his face was priceless. Soon, when hubby is back in Brisbane full time, I'll get in there too and have a go at Karate. It looks brilliant.

So today, one of the members of the 12WBT 30+ crew posted their video-blog (which was our mystery surprise task this week). It got me inspired. I don't have enough photos of me 'working out' to do a video blog - but I did do this picture.

The first picture was me at my 30th birthday party in February, 2012. The smile isn't quite reaching my eyes, is it? You know, I thought I looked good that night. I knew I was 'big' but I didn't realise how big.
The second photo is from this morning, after my Super Saturday Session. 12+kg gone, 43cm+ gone. Huge difference. My eyes are actually open when I smile! I have a jawline!! My collar bones are slowly making their way to the surface.

So I posted this picture on the 30+crew FB page, and the positive comments have been overwhelming. Not only that, but an incredibly generous, wonderful, amazing angel has decided to sponsor me for Round 2 of 12WBT, because I wasn't sure if I'd have enough money saved up to pay for the round, even though I am desperate to continue with it. So now I won't have to worry about that - I can put all of my energy and focus into becoming what my mystery angel sees in me - someone who deserves a chance to be happy and healthy. And I cannot ever repay them for that. I have had a huge mindset change today. Like Ali put it so nicely on the 30+crew FB page, "You know you deserve this, right, Kylie?". Before this happened, I really didn't think that I deserved this. That I deserved to be happy, or healthy. But I do. And I will. I promise. I am a woman of my word.

So very, very tired.

My youngest son, J, is a shocking sleeper. I'm under no illusions that the phrase 'sleeping like a baby' is total bullshit. My eldest son slept through the night for the first time at 16 months. Second son slept through from 8 months. J is 11 months old today and has slept through the night a grand total of ONE time. This is what happened last night:

Bedtime: 7:30pm
First wake: 10pm - given a breastfeed and back to sleep
Second wake: 11:15pm - I refused to give him a feed and put him in his cot (in my room, at the foot of my bed). I stood up patting him to sleep until 2:20am, when he finally realised that I was not going to feed him.
Third wake: 4am - I was literally falling asleep standing up so I gave in and fed him.
Fourth wake: 5:15am. Again, totally exhausted so I fed him.

Then the other boys were awake for the day at 6am (how nice of them, their usual wake up is 5:30am).

Unfortunately I have no one here overnight to help me out, my husband works away from home and is only home two nights every fortnight, so I find it very difficult to even contemplate trying to help J with his night time sleeps when I have to get up and look after the other boys at 6am.

You know what the ironic thing is? I'm actually a child health nurse, and the number of parents I have helped over the years to put their children to sleep and stop them waking up overnight is HUGE. So why won't these things work for me? Gah!!

Oh well, off to the gym this morning again. I'm doing Body Step so even though I'll be super tired, I'll have done my work out for the day.

If only I could justify something disgusting and greasy from Maccas as a breakfast treat ... but then I'd have to work it off on the elliptical trainer and I HATE that thing!!

Hope you had a good night - send some sleepy dust my way - please!!

The first post ... uh oh

Ok, so I've been told that blogging can be quite therapeutic. And I'm in serious need of some therapy at the moment, so why not? Here goes nothing...

About me. 30 years OLD! Wife to Dave, mother to Sebastian, Benjamin and Jameson, my three boys. Full time uni student studying early childhood education externally. SAHM to my boys, currently on maternity leave from my position as a Clinical Nurse in a child health setting. Completely and utterly LOUD and I love to get creative. I love to paint, to colour in (yup, give me a print out of Ben 10 and I'll go to town!) and to do anything remotely creative. I'm a novice sewer ... self taught, except for those six months in Year 8 of Home Ec ... I'm on a weight loss mission through the 12 Week Body Transformation program with Michelle Bridges (who inspires me on a daily basis), and I'm determined to be happy and healthy for the next 30+ years of my life.

Why am I writing this? Because I can. Because my boys drive me crazy and make me fall in love with them at the same time. Because my hubby does fly in/fly out work and I'm going crazy from not talking to an adult about something remotely interesting (don't get me wrong, I love my kids but there is only so much talking I can do about the latest Ben 10 or Power Rangers episode). Because I want to share my accomplishments and failures. And because I'm real. I'm not doing this to change the world, I'm just an ordinary person leading an ordinary life, but a life that is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

So, that's me in a nutshell. My crazy life and all that it entails. Enjoy.