So there have been a few posts from some amazing friends on Facebook lately proudly annoucning 12 major accomplishments that they have achieved in 2012. I'm gonna copy that, because I love that idea!!
1. I turned 30 years old. Major, major milestone for me - incredibly exciting, scary and confronting at the same time. I remember looking in vain for something beautiful to wear to my party - and couldn't find a damn thing to fit. But my party was awesome, it showed how many wonderful people I have in my life that love me and celebrated with me.
2. I started the 12WBT. This program has helped me to change my life in more ways than I thought possible. It takes a lot of courage to join a program you know nothing about in the vain hope that *something* will work. And has this baby worked? You bet your pretty arse it has!!
3. I lost 31kg!! That's insane!! It's like losing the combined weight of my 5 year old and my 3 year old!!
4. I started - and completed - my graduate diploma in education. A massive, massive undertaking which involved full time study, full time prac and a huge amount of self growth.
5. I watched my eldest son commence and complete Kindergarten. He was always a beautifully articulate, compassionate little man, but now he has the self confidence in his own abilities to take on the world! He wants to be a chef, an astronaut, a DJ, a teacher, a nurse and a racing motorbike rider. This kid can do anything. But my achievement in all of this was guiding him - and also letting him take the reins. Releasing that control and allowing my son to venture out on his own and learn from his mistakes was really difficult for me to do. I think all mothers want the best for their children, and for me, allowing myself to step away and watch his growth and development was both confronting and really liberating. To know that I have helped to equip him for success in life is amazing.
6. I met Emazon. To say that this woman and her teachings has helped me is an understatement. I know that some people get upset about how much praise this woman gets, and to an extent I agree. I certainly credit Emma with giving me some of the tools I needed to realise that I have my own strength and my own power. I would have eventually gotten it by myself, but she gave me the kick in the bum I needed to get rid of my Louis Vuitton and make my bubble bulletproof. I'm certainly not there, but I'm well on my way baby!
7. I started to exercise and learned to LOVE IT. I truly enjoy going to the gym, and 12 months ago I would have commited you to a psych unit if you told me I would be saying that. I love the freedom I get at the gym - I can work my arse off for an hour, I don't think about anyone else but me, and it's brilliant.
8. I became a part-time single mum when my hubby had to move away for work. He worked for 12 days on, and then flew home for 2 days. So I studied full time, was a full time stay-at-home mum and participated in the Kindy committee all by myself. I protected my family and did a BLOODY GOOD JOB all by myself. That experience really taught me about my own personal strengths, and how I can do whatever I want, when I set my mind to it.
9. I flew to Sydney for a weekend away WITHOUT MY FAMILY for the first time EVER. I have NEVER been away from my children for more than one night. I flew to Sydney for the 12WBT finale and HAD A BLAST!! I had such a great time, rooming with two gorgeous ladies and partying the night away with the awesome 30+ crew who blow my mind. I love you all xoxo
10. I got a great job. I got a GREAT JOB that over 70 people applied for - and they thought I was good enough to give it to me. Talk about an ego-boost :)
11. I watched my three little men grow up, and realised that my preoccupation with having a daughter had faded into the background, and that the pain I experienced so acutely for so long is now just a dull ache. One that I feel will never go away, but HOLY CRAP - I am the luckiest mother in the whole world because I got the three best little boys in the universe to call my own. Those little boys make me proud every day, and when I think of how much I love them, I can't even stand it.
12. I got off my anti-depressants and haven't looked back. Massive.
So there you go, Kirsty. You've done more for me and my family than you will ever know, because of your beautiful heart and compassion. I've met you once, but you made an impression on me from that very first moment, and I can't wait to catch up again. xoxo
BRING IT ON, 2013!!
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Monday, 31 December 2012
This little piggie ...
So, here is 2013. Bit of a letdown so far!
I was booked for a nursing shift this morning. I was supposed to start at 7am and finish at 7:30pm. Through my nursing agency, the agreement is that I get a two hour notice of a cancelled shift. So 5am came and went - no text message to tell me it was cancelled. So I get ready for work, and leave at 5:30am. As I'm half way to to hospital, I get a text message telling me the shift was cancelled and the late notice was because "the mobile phone wasn't working." Uncool. Technically I should be paid for two hours work because of the late notice - but who pays? The hospital? The agency? None of them will, so I'm out of work and p'ed off!
So instead of going back to bed, I thought that I'd go for a run. Off I go, facing my fears of running in public because I'm still so self conscious. I'm running, getting into a groove, feeling pretty good. Then I turn onto a main road, and about half way down the road some random mean guy drives past me and calls out, "Keep running, you fat pig!!"
Gutted. Devastated.
So what do I do? I turn around and run home. With my tail between my legs.
Now I'm home, typing this blog post and I'm not angry at the mean guy who said that. I'm angry at myself for letting that ***** into my bubble and affecting me so much. Why should his own issues and his need to belittle people for his own benefit make me question my own abilities and my own goals? Why does he get to win?
He won't. I'm going back out there this afternoon and I will finish my run. I will not let him beat me.
I was booked for a nursing shift this morning. I was supposed to start at 7am and finish at 7:30pm. Through my nursing agency, the agreement is that I get a two hour notice of a cancelled shift. So 5am came and went - no text message to tell me it was cancelled. So I get ready for work, and leave at 5:30am. As I'm half way to to hospital, I get a text message telling me the shift was cancelled and the late notice was because "the mobile phone wasn't working." Uncool. Technically I should be paid for two hours work because of the late notice - but who pays? The hospital? The agency? None of them will, so I'm out of work and p'ed off!
So instead of going back to bed, I thought that I'd go for a run. Off I go, facing my fears of running in public because I'm still so self conscious. I'm running, getting into a groove, feeling pretty good. Then I turn onto a main road, and about half way down the road some random mean guy drives past me and calls out, "Keep running, you fat pig!!"
Gutted. Devastated.
So what do I do? I turn around and run home. With my tail between my legs.
Now I'm home, typing this blog post and I'm not angry at the mean guy who said that. I'm angry at myself for letting that ***** into my bubble and affecting me so much. Why should his own issues and his need to belittle people for his own benefit make me question my own abilities and my own goals? Why does he get to win?
He won't. I'm going back out there this afternoon and I will finish my run. I will not let him beat me.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Great expectations
It's been a while between posts - life gets like that. I've never been the type of girl to keep a diary for an extended period of time (I'd get good for a few months ... then it would drift off ... and then I'd start with a renewed vigour ... you get the idea). It seems bizarre to me that people would post their inner-most thoughts and experiences for the world to read about and make their own judgements on.
BUT, I've started to realise that it's not about anyone else but me, and that this format, this structure of thought release is just one medium that I have at my disposal to express and deliberate on my own thoughts and feelings - and if it helps ONE person, then I'm overjoyed.
I've been helped recently by some amazing people. In fact, I've been blessed a number of times throughout this year, and I'm so incredibly grateful that I just can't even begin to describe it. A massive influence in my life this year has been my lovely friend Janet (you can read her blog here : http://www.clearingouttheshit.blogspot.com). Janet, you know that I love you, but you don't understand the massive impact you've had on my life this year - so publicly, I just wanted to say how AWESOME you are. Love ya guts babe.
So - over the weekend I had an opportunity to 'repay' some kindness in a very small way, by participating in a secret morning tea for a lovely girl on our 30+ crew page. Three gorgeous girls from the 30+ page and myself made the trek to Toowoomba to celebrate with this darling lady, and whilst it CERTAINLY made me extend my comfort zones (I HATE driving on highways, and going out with people that I've only met once or twice is very confronting for me), I am SO GLAD I went. I haven't laughed that hard in ages, and I'll never look at the 'Castle of Dinmore' the same way again :0)
Two of these beautiful travelling companions encouraged me to attend a bootcamp the next morning - again, challenging me to extend my comfort zones. I took my eldest baby chick and HAD A BALL!!
At the end of the bootcamp, Ange did an Emazon-style guided meditation. I was SO EXCITED about this, I thought, "Finally! I get to speak to my red self again!" (Now, of course I do realise that I can speak to her any time I choose, but I digress ...). I was so excited, and sat there, eagerly awaiting my 'message' from my red self so that I could accept the message and start 'doing something' with it ... ha ha ha.
I got to the part where you walk into your room, where your 'self' will be waiting. I walked in through the white corridor, through the white door, into the white room with a ruby red love seat in the corner ... and no self. I was disappointed to say the least - gutted might be a better descriptor. My immediate thought was, "Yup, another f'ing thing I can't do right!". I lay there in tears, waiting, waiting, waiting for my message, which didn't come. Ange then guided us to walk out of the room and up the stairs. As I was walking out of the room, this little sing-song voice called out, "You expect too much." Cheeky biatch!!
So, I'm taking that on board. I really do expect too much of people, and too much of myself. I go above and beyond for people, and when they let me down, I get really upset. And I don't think that lowering my expectations of others is a bad thing at this point, because I am setting them up for failure when they don't reach my incredibly high standards and expectations. And I set my own self up for failure when I set the bar too high and don't reach it.
It's time to be realistic. So- my New Year's "Resolution"? Go gently and be accepting of anything that the universe throws into my path, because it is there to teach me a lesson.
Have a great New Year's Eve!!
Monday, 26 November 2012
Just call me Louis Vuitton ...
Baggage ...
I have A LOT of it. Thirty years worth of it. And the large majority of it needs to go. If I want to move on, if I want to become this amazing woman I can see occasionally peaking out from behind the person I see in the mirror, then the LV needs to go.
What I haven't understood before though, is why I haven't been able to let it go. Why the idea of letting it go scares the crap out of me. Why it is such a hard thing to do. I KNOW what needs to be done. I know WHY it needs to be done. The rational part of my brain says to me - JUST FREAKING DO IT!! But that irrational part of my brain wants to hold on so tightly to those bags and for a long time, that irrational part of my brain has been winning.
A gorgeous friend posted something on a Facebook page the other day - about grief. About letting go, and that this letting go contained within it an element of grief. DING DING DING, hello lightbulb!! Of course I'm grieving - I've had this baggage for thirty years, it has become my identity - and changing that means that a lot in my life MIGHT change. So how do I become OK with that change? What if it means that things I want to desperately hold on to change as well?
During SYG with Emazon, there is a section right at the end where you 'blind box'. That is, you close your eyes and try to hit a pad you can't see. During my previous SYGs, this has been the part that has gotten me EVERY SINGLE TIME. That fear of failure - not hitting the pad, not getting it 'right'. Emma said previously that it didn't matter if you didn't get the pad - you didn't fail, it just meant you had to change direction because the pad was somewhere else. Uh dur - of course it is. But I never GOT IT until SYG in Sydney. I really struggled with the first 'blind box' session - I missed A LOT. And I cried A LOT. Janet told me to take some deep breaths - which I did ... and the word trust came to me. Trust - myself, my heart, my mind, my life - trust that I can do this, and even if I miss, it doesn't mean that I've failed, I just need to change direction. I always thought about this section too much - concentrating on listening, and watching the shadows behind my eyelids. But I FINALLY realised that it's not about that. It's about being ok with that change in direction, and knowing what that means.
So - in order to change direction - I need to let go of my Louis Vuitton. As comfortable as it has been - what purpose has it served? It has helped to create a woman who has been ashamed of herself, a woman who strives to make others happy before she makes herself happy, a woman who became a nurse because people told me I would be a good nurse (which I am) - but my heart was never in it. So now, I'm a Kindy teacher, I'm a mum to three amazing sons, and I'm finally starting to make myself happy. That Louis Vuitton is still hanging around in the background, but it's not the first thing I reach for now when things don't go to plan. And that's a huge step for me. I know it will get better, and that my baggage will eventually be a thing of the past. It's ok to grieve that part of me that is being slowly left behind. But you know what is more exciting? What amazing parts of myself I am yet to discover!!
I got told yesterday that I was 'tiny' at the gym - holy crap, NO ONE has EVER said that to me before. It was a really nice feeling - but also a little uncomfortable for me. I think I felt happy for two reasons - acknowledgement of my hard work in my transformation process, but also there was that old blue part of me that was happy because I am finally fitting into society's idea of what I should look like. So a very complex thinking process - one that I'm still working through. I'll save that for another day.
I have A LOT of it. Thirty years worth of it. And the large majority of it needs to go. If I want to move on, if I want to become this amazing woman I can see occasionally peaking out from behind the person I see in the mirror, then the LV needs to go.
What I haven't understood before though, is why I haven't been able to let it go. Why the idea of letting it go scares the crap out of me. Why it is such a hard thing to do. I KNOW what needs to be done. I know WHY it needs to be done. The rational part of my brain says to me - JUST FREAKING DO IT!! But that irrational part of my brain wants to hold on so tightly to those bags and for a long time, that irrational part of my brain has been winning.
A gorgeous friend posted something on a Facebook page the other day - about grief. About letting go, and that this letting go contained within it an element of grief. DING DING DING, hello lightbulb!! Of course I'm grieving - I've had this baggage for thirty years, it has become my identity - and changing that means that a lot in my life MIGHT change. So how do I become OK with that change? What if it means that things I want to desperately hold on to change as well?
During SYG with Emazon, there is a section right at the end where you 'blind box'. That is, you close your eyes and try to hit a pad you can't see. During my previous SYGs, this has been the part that has gotten me EVERY SINGLE TIME. That fear of failure - not hitting the pad, not getting it 'right'. Emma said previously that it didn't matter if you didn't get the pad - you didn't fail, it just meant you had to change direction because the pad was somewhere else. Uh dur - of course it is. But I never GOT IT until SYG in Sydney. I really struggled with the first 'blind box' session - I missed A LOT. And I cried A LOT. Janet told me to take some deep breaths - which I did ... and the word trust came to me. Trust - myself, my heart, my mind, my life - trust that I can do this, and even if I miss, it doesn't mean that I've failed, I just need to change direction. I always thought about this section too much - concentrating on listening, and watching the shadows behind my eyelids. But I FINALLY realised that it's not about that. It's about being ok with that change in direction, and knowing what that means.
So - in order to change direction - I need to let go of my Louis Vuitton. As comfortable as it has been - what purpose has it served? It has helped to create a woman who has been ashamed of herself, a woman who strives to make others happy before she makes herself happy, a woman who became a nurse because people told me I would be a good nurse (which I am) - but my heart was never in it. So now, I'm a Kindy teacher, I'm a mum to three amazing sons, and I'm finally starting to make myself happy. That Louis Vuitton is still hanging around in the background, but it's not the first thing I reach for now when things don't go to plan. And that's a huge step for me. I know it will get better, and that my baggage will eventually be a thing of the past. It's ok to grieve that part of me that is being slowly left behind. But you know what is more exciting? What amazing parts of myself I am yet to discover!!
I got told yesterday that I was 'tiny' at the gym - holy crap, NO ONE has EVER said that to me before. It was a really nice feeling - but also a little uncomfortable for me. I think I felt happy for two reasons - acknowledgement of my hard work in my transformation process, but also there was that old blue part of me that was happy because I am finally fitting into society's idea of what I should look like. So a very complex thinking process - one that I'm still working through. I'll save that for another day.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Rockin' around the clock
Over the weekend, I celebrated the finale of Round 3 of the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation. This was my third round, and all together I've lost just under 28kg and over 134cm of measurement off my body.
Not only had I completed the three rounds, literally on the Friday that we flew to Sydney, I handed in the VERY LAST ASSIGNMENT for my Graduate Diploma in Education (Early Childhood). I have finished uni!!
Very recently, I've been completing a prac placement in a school in a Prep classroom, and I spent 5 weeks fulltime there. To be honest, there was so much about that prac that felt so wrong, that I can't even begin to start to explain it. I was asked to be untrue to myself, to my ethics - it was awful. I really struggled with being inauthentic - to reward behaviour that should just be a given, to ask young children to complete assessment pieces that had NO authentic components, no way for them to link their learning to the real world - let's just say I didn't enjoy myself at all. I pretty much hated every minute, and I really feel it was because I was asked to compromise my integrity just so I could pass the prac. BUT - more about that later.
I had such a wonderful weekend in Sydney. It was my first time EVER away from the brood, so I found it very challenging, particularly the mummy guilt side of things. However, my two lovely friends kept my mind off it, and I had a brilliant night!
I danced the night away in shoes that were FAR TOO HIGH for me, and I was blown away with the love and support that people whom I had never met showed me throughout the night. Let's just say, 30+ crew, YOU ARE FRICKING AWESOME!!!!!!
On the Sunday, I was so insanely fortunate to attend Stand Your Ground 1 with the amazing Janet (thank you my beautiful friend) and Emazon, whom I have posted about previously. Last time I did SYG, my head was all over the place, and whilst I learnt SO MUCH, I was really looking forward to getting something different from SYG this time, and I sure did.
Last time, I HATED the blind boxing. It really freaked me out, having to trust myself and being OK with not hitting the pad - that it just meant that I needed to change direction, and that I didn't fail. Being someone who has ALWAYS judged their self worth on their ability to PASS OR FAIL, this was so very confronting for me.
The first time we blind boxed, I froze. I freaked out. I kept telling myself, 'You can't do this ... you're going to fail ..." Then Emma said, "It doesn't matter if you don't hit the pad this time - because all it is telling you is that the pad is SOMEWHERE ELSE. That's all." Ding ding ding!! Lightbulb. It's ok to not get it the first time - it doesn't mean you give up, and cry in the corner because you suck. NOPE. You get back up, and you change direction. Because the pad is there - it's just not where you thought it was.
All this time, I thought it was about using your ears to find out where your pad holder was standing. But it was about so much more. It was about trusting yourself enough to change direction.
My mantra during the blind boxing was trust. I needed to be ok with trusting MYSELF. And I did - and I hit the pad ... a lot. I missed once or twice, and that self doubt kept flooding back, but I didn't give up. I said to myself "TRUST IT" and came back to hit the pad.
At the end, when we were all sharing how we were now feeling, I said, "On the edge." I had Lady GaGa's song, "Edge of Glory" in my head, and that's what I felt like - on the edge of something amazing, that I just needed to trust myself to get rid of my Louis Vitton baggage and take the leap (thanks for the analogy, Emma!! I'll never look at LV the same).
So - now that prac is over - I can share something amazing. I have been given a wonderful, wonderful opportunity to become a Kindergarten teacher at a beautiful little community centre. A Kindy teacher job is incredibly difficult to get, and I'm so honoured that the teachers there saw something special in me. I start on Thursday, and I'm filled with anticipation. I cannot wait to help to shape the lives of little people. It's going to be brilliant, and I'm so glad that SYG has helped me to trust that anticipation and do something amazing with it!
Not only had I completed the three rounds, literally on the Friday that we flew to Sydney, I handed in the VERY LAST ASSIGNMENT for my Graduate Diploma in Education (Early Childhood). I have finished uni!!
Very recently, I've been completing a prac placement in a school in a Prep classroom, and I spent 5 weeks fulltime there. To be honest, there was so much about that prac that felt so wrong, that I can't even begin to start to explain it. I was asked to be untrue to myself, to my ethics - it was awful. I really struggled with being inauthentic - to reward behaviour that should just be a given, to ask young children to complete assessment pieces that had NO authentic components, no way for them to link their learning to the real world - let's just say I didn't enjoy myself at all. I pretty much hated every minute, and I really feel it was because I was asked to compromise my integrity just so I could pass the prac. BUT - more about that later.
I had such a wonderful weekend in Sydney. It was my first time EVER away from the brood, so I found it very challenging, particularly the mummy guilt side of things. However, my two lovely friends kept my mind off it, and I had a brilliant night!
Last time, I HATED the blind boxing. It really freaked me out, having to trust myself and being OK with not hitting the pad - that it just meant that I needed to change direction, and that I didn't fail. Being someone who has ALWAYS judged their self worth on their ability to PASS OR FAIL, this was so very confronting for me.
The first time we blind boxed, I froze. I freaked out. I kept telling myself, 'You can't do this ... you're going to fail ..." Then Emma said, "It doesn't matter if you don't hit the pad this time - because all it is telling you is that the pad is SOMEWHERE ELSE. That's all." Ding ding ding!! Lightbulb. It's ok to not get it the first time - it doesn't mean you give up, and cry in the corner because you suck. NOPE. You get back up, and you change direction. Because the pad is there - it's just not where you thought it was.
All this time, I thought it was about using your ears to find out where your pad holder was standing. But it was about so much more. It was about trusting yourself enough to change direction.
My mantra during the blind boxing was trust. I needed to be ok with trusting MYSELF. And I did - and I hit the pad ... a lot. I missed once or twice, and that self doubt kept flooding back, but I didn't give up. I said to myself "TRUST IT" and came back to hit the pad.
At the end, when we were all sharing how we were now feeling, I said, "On the edge." I had Lady GaGa's song, "Edge of Glory" in my head, and that's what I felt like - on the edge of something amazing, that I just needed to trust myself to get rid of my Louis Vitton baggage and take the leap (thanks for the analogy, Emma!! I'll never look at LV the same).
So - now that prac is over - I can share something amazing. I have been given a wonderful, wonderful opportunity to become a Kindergarten teacher at a beautiful little community centre. A Kindy teacher job is incredibly difficult to get, and I'm so honoured that the teachers there saw something special in me. I start on Thursday, and I'm filled with anticipation. I cannot wait to help to shape the lives of little people. It's going to be brilliant, and I'm so glad that SYG has helped me to trust that anticipation and do something amazing with it!
Friday, 19 October 2012
How to save a life
I haven't written a post in
a while. I find it difficult to get the time to sit down uninterrupted
by the brood for extended periods of time, and I'm also completing the
final prac placement for my graduate diploma of early childhood
education which means that in four short weeks, I will be a qualified
early childhood teacher! It's been a really tough 12 months and there is
no way I would have gotten this far without my amazing husband and
three darling little chickens.
During this last 10 months, I've made some pretty big changes in my life. I turned 30, decided on a new career, and started on the hardest journey of my adult life - to lose weight I have carried for the last 29 years. I've never been a 'skinny Minnie' and that's not what I want now, I just want to be a healthy role model for not only my chickens, but for all of the children I will encounter both as a paediatric nurse (current career) and as an early childhood teacher (future career).
So, I started the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program after seeing the success a friend had with it. It was a life saver. The program taught me about not only eating well, but appropriate exercise and then helped me to figure out why my head was holding me back- or so I thought.
I've shed over 25kg since February, and I've got about 25 more to go. I don't have a specific goal in mind, it's more about feeling ok with myself and being able to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It will be nice to be able to walk into a 'regular' clothing shop and pick something that is nice to wear, rather than what fits, so I am starting to be able to do that, but that's not the only reason I did the program.
However, lately I've been noticing my eldest chicken has been talking about 'calories', exercise and being fat. He is five years old, and he is hearing this talk from me. I don't want him to grow up the same way I did - always talking about 'good food' and 'bad food' and being made to feel bad about how my body looks. I needed something to change in the way I spoke about the life I am now leading, and I found that with Emazon.
So, who is Emazon? You may have heard of her when watching Season 2 of The Biggest Loser, Australia. She was the scary looking chick with the bright red hair who took the contestants into the boxing ring and taught them how to fight. How the hell can a woman like that teach me about being a great mum? Read on and you'll find out.
Honesty corner here - I have struggled for a long long time with gender desire. Some people go through the same thing, particularly when they have children of the same sex, like my three boys, and they call it gender disappointment. Let me set this straight right from the get-go. I am NOT DISAPPOINTED that I have my three amazing, special little men. I am so incredibly blessed that sometimes the amount of love I feel for them takes my breath away. I have, however, found myself upset that my daughter, who I have craved since I ever imagined being a mother, will not come to pass. I have struggled with feelings of loneliness, frustration and sadness that the dream I have had for over 20 years will not come true, and even now, it's still incredibly difficult to talk about. Gender desire, or disappointment, however you chose to look at it, is something that NO ONE talks about. How incredibly ungrateful of someone to feel upset that they didn't have a girl, when they have a healthy baby boy! How ungrateful that you are sad because you were blessed with a girl, when you really wanted a boy, when friends of yours can't even have children. I know all of that - and believe me, I've felt so guilty for feeling this way for so long, and I've beaten myself up enough about it, so you don't need to worry about letting me know all of that stuff. It's a shameful feeling to have, and no one wants to admit it. But we're out there, walking amongst you at the shops, gazing wistfully at the little girls having coffee with their mums, and the boys playing soccer with their parents at the park. We exist, and so does gender desire.
So anyways, back to Emazon. I'd heard about her through some of the 12WBT Facebook pages, and had attended a MindFit session and a Fight Training session with her when she came up to Darra in the middle of the year. Now, she was coming up to the Sunshine Ciast, and I booked in for Stand Your Ground 1. I drove up there from school, and arrived 20 minutes late after detouring through Kawana Waters after my stupid GPS took me the wrong way. But I got there. And I did the session and it was great - until the last exercise we did, which was trying to hit the pads of our friend with our eyes closed. I threw my first punch ... and missed. Utterly devastated. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't believe I had missed, and I felt that the whole session had been a waste. I obviously couldn't listen to my authentic self - I couldn't tune out all of the blue noise in my head. I felt angry, and unresolved, and left the session feeling very disappointed.
I couldn't afford SYG2, and was quite upset by that. My amazing friend Janet (check out her blog at clearingouttheshit.blogspot.com) generously paid for me to attend SYG2 the next night. I learned so much about myself that night. I learnt to block out (most) of the blue noise, and TRAIN. In fact I trained so hard that I injured my wrist with a suspected hairline fracture! But bloody hell, it felt awesome.
We then did a meditation session, where we called on our authentic self (or red self) to help us move to a place of self love. My red self spoke to me. She said, "stop trying to be enough, and just realise that you are enough." I almost laughed out loud in the middle of the meditation. Me, enough? Hardly. So, I spoke back to her. I said, "So, why don't I believe you?" And she said, "because you are afraid of what it means." Huh? Of course I'm afraid! My whole life has been spent trying to prove that I'm good enough and worthy of love. And now I have to change all of that, all of that hard work where I bust my arse every single day trying to prove that I am a good mother/wife/nurse/student/teacher/person? How the hell am I supposed to do that? I knew Emma would have the answers to help me take the first step to that understanding, so I enquired about a one on one session. She was unable to fit me in, so I figured that it was just not meant to be, and I would catch her another time.
The next day, I received a phone call. Emma had opened up a one on one JUST FOR ME. So now there was no excuse. No reason to not go and take the first step - except for the money. I stressed over it, and spoke with my husband about it. Being on unpaid maternity leave means that money is always tight, so I told my husband that I wouldn't do it. He then walked silently into the bedroom, and came back with a full tin of money, you know, those tins you throw your loose change in to? He said, "I've been saving up for a new tool, but you are my wife, and if there is enough money in here for you to do this, and continue these changes I've seen in you over the last week then that's the best thing for all of us." So we opened the tin, and there was enough money for the session, plus $2 left over to start a new tin. Talk about the planets aligning.
I had also posted on Facebook about the money issue, basically wanting people to tell me to suck it up and do it! But I got so much more that that. I had five strangers donate $10 each - to pay for my petrol money to get there and back. My initial instinct was to say no - because I'm not worthy of such love and support. But I accepted, and attended the one on one.
The session changed the way I viewed my whole life. Not only am I lucky enough to be the mum of three boys, I now have the awesome power and responsibility to change the way they view the world, by modelling love, respect, compassion and guidance to my children. I can encourage my boys to be well balanced men, and guide them in their lives as men, fathers, husbands and sons. I knew all of this before, but it was the way Emma spoke about it that changed my perception. She also spoke about the need to seek approval, and what it means. For me, it was about showing people that I am worthy of love, but that my weight issues were a way to provide a shield. It meant that even if I did everything I could to get someone to like me, and they didn't, I could blame my weight, and say, it's just because I'm fat that they don't like me. It's not. Some people just don't get on and that's ok. The only person I need approval from is myself, and when I have that self love, it doesn't matter what other people think because they are not as important as myself. A significant male person in my life has always appeared to push me away, never allowing me to do things that he did with my brothers. I interpreted it as he didn't love me as much as my brothers. But it's not that at all. He was never give the chance to learn about women and girls from his mother, so instead of being compassionate to a female psyche, he became over protective and wrapped me in cotton wool. But now when he says things to me that previously I would have interpreted as pushing away, I can now see that he's just trying to protect his baby girl from making a mistake. It is such a relief to see things in a different way now, and I can truly thank Emma for helping me to see this, and for helping me to realise I am in such a priveledged position to ensure that my boys grow up to be men that can show their daughers love, compassion and support in a more obvious way.
So I have thrown away my scales. I no longer talk of calories or protein or carbohydrates and I don't use the words fat or skinny anymore. I don't talk about exercise. I talk to my children about health and self love, and giving your body nourishment. My son has stopped jumping on the scales everyday and talking about how many calories are in the muesli bar he just ate. My son talks about healthy food that makes him feel good. And that is truly the best gift ever.
So now the planets have aligned and Janet and I are able to do another SYG1 session in Sydney in November. I can't wait to share with Emma how things are going, and how truly blessed I feel that she was able to help me see that first footlight. Thank you to all the women who recruited me to their red army, and showed me that sometimes just being able to help a random stranger helps ourselves as well.
During this last 10 months, I've made some pretty big changes in my life. I turned 30, decided on a new career, and started on the hardest journey of my adult life - to lose weight I have carried for the last 29 years. I've never been a 'skinny Minnie' and that's not what I want now, I just want to be a healthy role model for not only my chickens, but for all of the children I will encounter both as a paediatric nurse (current career) and as an early childhood teacher (future career).
So, I started the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program after seeing the success a friend had with it. It was a life saver. The program taught me about not only eating well, but appropriate exercise and then helped me to figure out why my head was holding me back- or so I thought.
I've shed over 25kg since February, and I've got about 25 more to go. I don't have a specific goal in mind, it's more about feeling ok with myself and being able to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It will be nice to be able to walk into a 'regular' clothing shop and pick something that is nice to wear, rather than what fits, so I am starting to be able to do that, but that's not the only reason I did the program.
However, lately I've been noticing my eldest chicken has been talking about 'calories', exercise and being fat. He is five years old, and he is hearing this talk from me. I don't want him to grow up the same way I did - always talking about 'good food' and 'bad food' and being made to feel bad about how my body looks. I needed something to change in the way I spoke about the life I am now leading, and I found that with Emazon.
So, who is Emazon? You may have heard of her when watching Season 2 of The Biggest Loser, Australia. She was the scary looking chick with the bright red hair who took the contestants into the boxing ring and taught them how to fight. How the hell can a woman like that teach me about being a great mum? Read on and you'll find out.
Honesty corner here - I have struggled for a long long time with gender desire. Some people go through the same thing, particularly when they have children of the same sex, like my three boys, and they call it gender disappointment. Let me set this straight right from the get-go. I am NOT DISAPPOINTED that I have my three amazing, special little men. I am so incredibly blessed that sometimes the amount of love I feel for them takes my breath away. I have, however, found myself upset that my daughter, who I have craved since I ever imagined being a mother, will not come to pass. I have struggled with feelings of loneliness, frustration and sadness that the dream I have had for over 20 years will not come true, and even now, it's still incredibly difficult to talk about. Gender desire, or disappointment, however you chose to look at it, is something that NO ONE talks about. How incredibly ungrateful of someone to feel upset that they didn't have a girl, when they have a healthy baby boy! How ungrateful that you are sad because you were blessed with a girl, when you really wanted a boy, when friends of yours can't even have children. I know all of that - and believe me, I've felt so guilty for feeling this way for so long, and I've beaten myself up enough about it, so you don't need to worry about letting me know all of that stuff. It's a shameful feeling to have, and no one wants to admit it. But we're out there, walking amongst you at the shops, gazing wistfully at the little girls having coffee with their mums, and the boys playing soccer with their parents at the park. We exist, and so does gender desire.
So anyways, back to Emazon. I'd heard about her through some of the 12WBT Facebook pages, and had attended a MindFit session and a Fight Training session with her when she came up to Darra in the middle of the year. Now, she was coming up to the Sunshine Ciast, and I booked in for Stand Your Ground 1. I drove up there from school, and arrived 20 minutes late after detouring through Kawana Waters after my stupid GPS took me the wrong way. But I got there. And I did the session and it was great - until the last exercise we did, which was trying to hit the pads of our friend with our eyes closed. I threw my first punch ... and missed. Utterly devastated. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't believe I had missed, and I felt that the whole session had been a waste. I obviously couldn't listen to my authentic self - I couldn't tune out all of the blue noise in my head. I felt angry, and unresolved, and left the session feeling very disappointed.
I couldn't afford SYG2, and was quite upset by that. My amazing friend Janet (check out her blog at clearingouttheshit.blogspot.com) generously paid for me to attend SYG2 the next night. I learned so much about myself that night. I learnt to block out (most) of the blue noise, and TRAIN. In fact I trained so hard that I injured my wrist with a suspected hairline fracture! But bloody hell, it felt awesome.
We then did a meditation session, where we called on our authentic self (or red self) to help us move to a place of self love. My red self spoke to me. She said, "stop trying to be enough, and just realise that you are enough." I almost laughed out loud in the middle of the meditation. Me, enough? Hardly. So, I spoke back to her. I said, "So, why don't I believe you?" And she said, "because you are afraid of what it means." Huh? Of course I'm afraid! My whole life has been spent trying to prove that I'm good enough and worthy of love. And now I have to change all of that, all of that hard work where I bust my arse every single day trying to prove that I am a good mother/wife/nurse/student/teacher/person? How the hell am I supposed to do that? I knew Emma would have the answers to help me take the first step to that understanding, so I enquired about a one on one session. She was unable to fit me in, so I figured that it was just not meant to be, and I would catch her another time.
The next day, I received a phone call. Emma had opened up a one on one JUST FOR ME. So now there was no excuse. No reason to not go and take the first step - except for the money. I stressed over it, and spoke with my husband about it. Being on unpaid maternity leave means that money is always tight, so I told my husband that I wouldn't do it. He then walked silently into the bedroom, and came back with a full tin of money, you know, those tins you throw your loose change in to? He said, "I've been saving up for a new tool, but you are my wife, and if there is enough money in here for you to do this, and continue these changes I've seen in you over the last week then that's the best thing for all of us." So we opened the tin, and there was enough money for the session, plus $2 left over to start a new tin. Talk about the planets aligning.
I had also posted on Facebook about the money issue, basically wanting people to tell me to suck it up and do it! But I got so much more that that. I had five strangers donate $10 each - to pay for my petrol money to get there and back. My initial instinct was to say no - because I'm not worthy of such love and support. But I accepted, and attended the one on one.
The session changed the way I viewed my whole life. Not only am I lucky enough to be the mum of three boys, I now have the awesome power and responsibility to change the way they view the world, by modelling love, respect, compassion and guidance to my children. I can encourage my boys to be well balanced men, and guide them in their lives as men, fathers, husbands and sons. I knew all of this before, but it was the way Emma spoke about it that changed my perception. She also spoke about the need to seek approval, and what it means. For me, it was about showing people that I am worthy of love, but that my weight issues were a way to provide a shield. It meant that even if I did everything I could to get someone to like me, and they didn't, I could blame my weight, and say, it's just because I'm fat that they don't like me. It's not. Some people just don't get on and that's ok. The only person I need approval from is myself, and when I have that self love, it doesn't matter what other people think because they are not as important as myself. A significant male person in my life has always appeared to push me away, never allowing me to do things that he did with my brothers. I interpreted it as he didn't love me as much as my brothers. But it's not that at all. He was never give the chance to learn about women and girls from his mother, so instead of being compassionate to a female psyche, he became over protective and wrapped me in cotton wool. But now when he says things to me that previously I would have interpreted as pushing away, I can now see that he's just trying to protect his baby girl from making a mistake. It is such a relief to see things in a different way now, and I can truly thank Emma for helping me to see this, and for helping me to realise I am in such a priveledged position to ensure that my boys grow up to be men that can show their daughers love, compassion and support in a more obvious way.
So I have thrown away my scales. I no longer talk of calories or protein or carbohydrates and I don't use the words fat or skinny anymore. I don't talk about exercise. I talk to my children about health and self love, and giving your body nourishment. My son has stopped jumping on the scales everyday and talking about how many calories are in the muesli bar he just ate. My son talks about healthy food that makes him feel good. And that is truly the best gift ever.
So now the planets have aligned and Janet and I are able to do another SYG1 session in Sydney in November. I can't wait to share with Emma how things are going, and how truly blessed I feel that she was able to help me see that first footlight. Thank you to all the women who recruited me to their red army, and showed me that sometimes just being able to help a random stranger helps ourselves as well.
Monday, 7 May 2012
OMG - training with Lisa Curry!
So, here I am = back to it. If the evidence of the last four days is proof that I am still not in the right mindset to continue this weight loss journey alone, I don't know what it! I still have it in my head that, because I'm not technically weighing in until Week One of Round Two that I can eat what I want - not so. I've put a kg back on this week - and whilst I'm sure some of it is fluid retention (ladies - hearing me!! :x ), I KNOW some of it is from my very poor choices this week.
So, back to it. Went for a road run yesterday afternoon with my awful dog. She CANNOT run for the life of her, she gets so excited about sniffing and peeing that she pulled me off the footpath at least 10 times!! So I dropped her back at home half way through, and did just over 4km in 47 minutes. For someone that doesn't run (more like shuffle!), I was pretty impressed by that.
The awesome 12WBT Qld Crew have organised a training sesh with the amazing Lisa Curry on the weekend. I am totally there! I am petrified, because I know I'm still quite unfit, but I'm willing to give it my all and try my hardest, and I guess that's all anyone can ask of themselves. If anyone had told me 6 months ago that I would be excited about getting my butt kicked in a training sesh with Lisa Curry I would have had them admitted to Psych. But here I am - nervous, scared, but ultimately excited about trying something new, something that the old me would never have attempted.
I took this self portrait on Saturday, after watching my eldest get his yellow tip in Karate. Very impressed that I actually have a jawline. Still trying to get rid of that little fatty bit around my neck, but I know it will go eventually. It's pictures like this that make me want to keep going - you can see improvement, but you know you've still got a long way to go.
I got some results from my uni assignments - I'm studying Early Childhood Education externally, and it's bloody hard work, particularly when you are the sole parent for 12 days out of the fortnight! But I got a 7 for diversity, a 5 for literacy and a 7 for mathematics. Feeling pretty good really!! Have finished the next three assignments that are due this Friday, so here's hoping that they're half as good!
I start a four week block of prac in a Year Three classroom next Monday, so I'm excited and nervous about that too, but I know it's what I want to do with my life. I don't want to go back to child health - it is not my cup of tea at all. And if I could do acute paeds without the shift work, I'd be back in a heartbeat but that just won't happen. So time for making a change to make me and my home happier. So glad I'm doing it!!
Have a wonderful week - I'll post pics of my red sweaty face after my training sesh with Lisa on the weekend!! :D
So, back to it. Went for a road run yesterday afternoon with my awful dog. She CANNOT run for the life of her, she gets so excited about sniffing and peeing that she pulled me off the footpath at least 10 times!! So I dropped her back at home half way through, and did just over 4km in 47 minutes. For someone that doesn't run (more like shuffle!), I was pretty impressed by that.
The awesome 12WBT Qld Crew have organised a training sesh with the amazing Lisa Curry on the weekend. I am totally there! I am petrified, because I know I'm still quite unfit, but I'm willing to give it my all and try my hardest, and I guess that's all anyone can ask of themselves. If anyone had told me 6 months ago that I would be excited about getting my butt kicked in a training sesh with Lisa Curry I would have had them admitted to Psych. But here I am - nervous, scared, but ultimately excited about trying something new, something that the old me would never have attempted.
I took this self portrait on Saturday, after watching my eldest get his yellow tip in Karate. Very impressed that I actually have a jawline. Still trying to get rid of that little fatty bit around my neck, but I know it will go eventually. It's pictures like this that make me want to keep going - you can see improvement, but you know you've still got a long way to go.
I got some results from my uni assignments - I'm studying Early Childhood Education externally, and it's bloody hard work, particularly when you are the sole parent for 12 days out of the fortnight! But I got a 7 for diversity, a 5 for literacy and a 7 for mathematics. Feeling pretty good really!! Have finished the next three assignments that are due this Friday, so here's hoping that they're half as good!
I start a four week block of prac in a Year Three classroom next Monday, so I'm excited and nervous about that too, but I know it's what I want to do with my life. I don't want to go back to child health - it is not my cup of tea at all. And if I could do acute paeds without the shift work, I'd be back in a heartbeat but that just won't happen. So time for making a change to make me and my home happier. So glad I'm doing it!!
Have a wonderful week - I'll post pics of my red sweaty face after my training sesh with Lisa on the weekend!! :D
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