Where do I belong?

I've signed up for the next round of 12WBT. I'm kicking my bad habits, my old emotional fallbacks and my self sabotage to the curb. I am getting to my goal weight, or if not, I'll be so frigging close I can smell it. So there.

I did my fitness test today. Confession time - it's the first time I've ever really done it. Yeah, I've done the time trials before. But I NEVER did the wall sit. I did the sit ups ... but I NEVER did the push ups. I did the flexibility - because I knew I'd get a good result on that one. So today - no excuses. I planked in the middle of the gym for 64 seconds. Technically that puts me in the advanced range for the program, along with my results for the pushups and the flexibility. My 1km time trial is 7m6s, so not too bad, and my wall sit was atrocious - so definitely need to work on that, but I'm still in the intermediate range for those.

So, I thought I'd give Advanced Lean and Fit a go. Challenge myself. Went to introduce myself to the rest of the AL&F gang ... yeah, they're all like 50kg ... needing to lose like 1.4kg to get to goal weight. I want to lose at least 20kg ...

So where do I belong?

I don't know where to go ... what to do ... I didn't think this decision would be so hard!! But I guess the crux of the issue is :

Why do I feel that I am not good enough to do AL&F?

Thinking about it now - I am good enough to do it. I know that. Deep down, the truth is there. But why does all of this blue noise keep me back? Why am I letting it keep me back?

Recently a friend told me exactly what she thinks of my decision to do the next round of the 12WBT. She thinks that it encourages dependency and that it disempowers me. It was like a big smack to the face. I still haven't replied to her, because I feel that she doesn't understand my journey.  MY JOURNEY - not hers.  And I guess that this comment has made me question myself and my determination to successfully complete this round.

Can I see the dependency? Yes, absolutely - but I don't feel dependent on the program. I feel like it empowers me to learn about myself, my body, the nutrition my body requires and the effort it takes to be healthy. I can see other people incredibly dependent on the program - there is a hero worship that I don't necessarily agree with - but at the same time, these people are all on their own journeys, and who am I to judge them? Would I ever tell them that I thought that what they were doing is wrong? NO. It's not my call to make. So there's the difference between her and I. I believe every single person is entitled to their own journey, and that it will be different for every one of us. So why not celebrate people's successes, no matter how they were achieved?

Can't we all just get along??

So ... have I made my decision about AL&F? No, not yet. What am I waiting on? I don't know.