Monster-in-law ... really?

I was working a night shift last night, on a ward that I usually love to work on. As an agency nurse you get No say in which ward you work on, so it's always nice to go back to a ward you are familiar with.

I was working with some women I had worked with previously, and a nurse I hadn't met yet. We were doing our usual chit chat, and she asked me about my children. I proudly told her that I had three little boys.

Her reply? "Wow, I feel so sorry for you. That must be terrible!". My first instinct? To punch her in the face. But what did I do? I asked her why she thought that. She replied, "because all you'll ever be is the interfering mother in law. You'll only have your sons until they get married, and then they won't even come over to see you. You'll be one of those old mother in laws that is alone in the house because your son won't see you and your daughter will be out with her mother."

I laughed it off, telling her I didn't believe that for a minute.

But inside, I feel shattered.

First of all, I tried to work out why I 'let' this woman into my bubble. And the reality is that I didn't let her into the bubble, but I let her words into my bubble. Then I tried to work out why they affected me so much, considering the progress I've made recently with my gender desire issues. And I think what the problem is, is that this woman voiced my deepest fears. That I will be alone and unloved when I am older. That my boys won't want to spend time with me when they have their own families, and I will be that interfering monster in law that you hear your friends bitching and moaning about over coffee.

I know that my children love me. I know that they will always love me. But I fear that I won't have a relationship with them when they are older, like I do with my mother. My mum is pretty much my best friend, we can talk to each other about anything, she is always there for me. And I know that I will always be there for my boys. But when they are older, am I going to be a person that they reach out to for help? Will I be allowed into their families lives, not just as the mother in law, but as a friend? Am I destined to sit alone, knitting on the front deck with my seventeen cats whilst my sons forget to call, forget to pop by, forget my birthday? Am I going to be the grandmother that only sees her grandchildren once a year?

So there you have it. My deepest, darkest fears all laid out. I can deal with the no mother of the bride thing, and the no 'period' talk thing. But my fear is that I am destined to only be the mother in law. Someone who is seen as not as good as a 'mother' by her daughter in law. Will I lose my children to their own families and be left behind, wanting desperately to follow along but not being able to? How do I reassure myself that this wont happen? I don't see many examples of a mother son relationship that is as strong as the relationship between my mother and I. My own husband doesn't have a very close relationship with his mother, and regularly forgets her birthday. My own brothers are not as close to my mother. My mother even tells me of her fears of being the mother in law to my brothers wife, and how she doesn't want to interfere. Is that really what it's going to be like?

What I should have said to that woman was, do you realise how hurtful your comments are? Do you not think that I have not thought of that situation? Why is it so bad to have a single sex family? Why is it never good enough?

I think that deep down I fear the unknown. I fear what it will be like in the future. I fear that I will be lonely. And I think that's what scares me most of all. I have brothers - no sisters. I have never had a strong female friend that I would do anything for - and not through lack of trying! So I guess the question is - why do I fear being alone? And why do I think it will happen? Why can't I believe that my boys will always be there? 

I know that the relationship with my sons is absolutely something that I can nurture and develop - and I do. I'm just terrified that it won't be enough.